We asked newest member of the Maybe Clan and expert DeadPixelsOnToast contributor, Charlie-Bear Maybe (actual name) for her opinions on several of the most popular games doing the rounds at the moment:
1) Burnout Paradise - “Blahhh blah da bluuuu (gurgle) bah blaah”
2) Super Mario Galaxy - “Dwee! Feee du da!”
3) Kane and Lynch: Dead Men - “Listen, call it 500 sovs and it’ll get a 9 out of 10. And don’t cheap us on the lunch”
Myself and Peej have been in an Italian jail for the last three days, the food is better than Pixel Towers usual fair and so far I havent been raped. Peej smuggled a mobile phone into his cell which is pretty impressive considering the size of it.
I’m pretty sure I saw Phil Harrison jump the Police Baracade and head for the woods, the Corpo Forestale dello Stato were pretty confident they’d catch him but I’m not so sure, he’s got long legs.
Anyway, despite a bad signal Universal Hamster got in touch over the weekend and said something about being in New York and ‘Grand Theft Auto’ so expect a preview of the game or a heart rending plea for donations to the defence fund of convict 12098-44 later in the week!
Developer CCP today laid out a far-reaching strategy that should keep the already venerable EVE Online fresh to its legions of players.
As CCP spokesman, Bjorknir Kristðarson said; “The main challenge we foresee is that, sooner or later, the human race may well be exploring the stars and mining asteroids. How then do we keep EVE exciting and cutting edge? Our most ambitious update is scheduled for release in the next 400 years or so…”
This update is to create an infinite amount of parallel universes; “The inter-dimensional jump-core can be fitted to any ship, and used to jump instantaneously to a random and procedurally-generated alternate dimension. Imagine you are under attack by a fleet of pirates. Do you try to fight them off, or do you hit the jump-core? Maybe in the alternate universe, you will be under attack by a fleet of harmless daffodils, or maybe you could find yourself up against a fleet of deadly space-voles. The choice is yours.”
However, those looking forward to inter-dimensional travel should start training the skill when it is released in next month’s patch.
“We’ve had to drastically increase skill training times. As people’s lifespan increases in the future, we need to slow down their advancement through the game. Its no good allowing a thousand year old player to have everything trained, so we will need to make even the most basic skills have a good six-month training time.”
More as we get it.
His Holiness the Pope is happy to announce the imminent release of the Vatican’s first computer video game “Super Jesus Attack!” for the Nintendo Wii.
The Virtual Console game was originally designed for the Super Nintendo in the mid-nineties but moth balled after a papal inquisition felt it could promote pre-marital sex among minors.
THQ, the games developer, successfully lobbied the College of Cardinals to be allowed complete and release what they’re calling:
“Pope John Paul’s final, and most ass kicking, gift to his congregation”.
We’ll have a review just as soon as PJ gives us back our copy and stops ranting about Religious Poison.
Browser launched FPS death-match Quake Live has just gone into beta and DPoT are here to relay to you the reactions to it.
Housewife and SE regional Solitaire champ, Kathy Doonce was our contact inside the beta. “The most shocking thing was that the mouse pointer didn’t move, which I’ve never seen happen in a Windows game before, but that’s not the weird bit.” Kathy at this point shifted uneasily in her seat, “When you move the mouse, the pointer which isn’t even an arrow stays still and the game moves around instead, it was most unnerving and exciting at the same time.”
“I was most disappointed that there was no tutorial, normally a web game has a cute little animal that tells you how to play but I was just put straight into the game and I hadn’t clue what to do,” she recalls with bemusement. “The game seemed to be in a room that I could look at in any direction. So I first thought it was one of those locked room games where you find clues and items to escape so I tried clicking on the doorway.”
“It makes an odd noise when you click, a bang in fact. And what’s more, nothing happened, I guess I wasn’t going to escape Quake Live that easily. Then another odd thing happened, text messages started appearing in the window.” “A chat window?” we prompted. “Yes, I knew so because they were using mobile-speak, substituting numbers for syllables and all that. I guessed that it was some sort of help chat as the game was obviously hard.”
“Eager to get started I tried to type something back and I discovered something new,” she enthused, “The words I typed didn’t get sent to the help window but I noticed that when I typed certain keys the game moved again, very much differently to the mouse.” “After some exploration I discovered that I could move around Quake Live which explains why clicking on stuff didn’t work.” Looking quite proud of herself Mrs Doonce continued, “The key choices were quite odd though. But I think I figured it out : W for walk, A for askew, D for deviate and S for stand back. Although I think they should have used X for ex-filtrate as that makes the keys symmetrical.”
Now able to explore, Kathy continues with her discoveries, “I left the room I was in after collecting all of the rotating objects inside. No clicking was necessary, I just had to walk into them. I came upon a big room and was amazed to see it full of weird looking people all running and jumping with brightly coloured things flying everywhere.” Kathy is wide eyed as she tells us this, “I tried clicking on them to see if I could control them in case this was some sort of Sims game. I think it worked because one of them turned to face me, sent brightly coloured stuff at me and then I was warped to another room!”
“I left that room and came across another open space again I clicked one of the strange men and he warped me somewhere else. I slowly came to realise that this was how you escaped Quake Live. You must have to click on the men in the right order to go through the right rooms and escape!”
So we left Kathy sat at her computer with a notepad at her side, blissfully clicking on men and making notes. She promises to send word when she finally escapes.
Lawrence County, Arkansas, where local boy Chad Skunt single-handedly fought of wave after wave of the recently undead In his hometown of Minturn.
“It was incredible,” Said local Sheriff, Cecil C Chinwel, “Everyone was runnin’ about like headless chickens, but that boy, I say that boy knew exactly what to do.”
“He sure did,” Confirmed local resident Madge Sproctor, “I aint too proud to admit that none o’ mine knew what to do. They were running off on their own, keeping their backs to suspicious shadows, tryin’ to plead with the things and the like, but little Chad just shot those sum-bitches in the head, and good riddence to em!’
Chad, pictured here shortly after the slaughter claimed; “It was videogames and movies gave me the know-how, Especially watching Dawn of the Dead, and playing Cottage of Doom, which gave me all the experience I needed to secure our house against the festering dead.”
Authorities are unsure as to the cause of this outbreak, but have narrowed it down to a curse, a science experiment gone horribly wrong, or the end of days as predicted in Revelations.
This morning I woke up, it seemed a day much like any other, yet it was not. Today would be the day I reviewed N+. Everyone knew it, they would stop me in the street when I was passing to ask; “When are you reviewing N+?”
“Silence peasant.” I would say, flatly, “For I am walking. Every second you impede my progress is a second in which my opinion shall be delayed.” A sharp rap to the knuckles with my umbrella, (For all real men should carry an umbrella or cane in these days) would send the urchin on his way.
N+ is a game set in a crisp, grey environment that is as cold and ruthless as the devil’s smile, two score and ten chapters of five levels apiece await those who would test their mettle against it. Surely, to succeed, your eye must not be dimmed by grief or the effects of laudanum, for this is an artifice of the most grave difficulty, a whirling contraption of perils and pitfalls not often seen by those who dabble seldom in works other than those released with the greatest furore and pomp. That hollow imitation of challenge and reward is not to be found here, N+ surely requires the skill of old, spoken of in hushed tones when men, deep in their cups, converse fearfully and gravely of the giants who once strode our land, laughing as they fearlessly challenged the might of Ninja Gaiden, or Ikaruga.
N+ is no simulator of pugilism, nor is it the ‘bullet hell’ of the oriental arcade. It’s hell is one borne of space and physics and survival, against foes made of automata who may not be defeated, merely avoided. This you may do with a range of agilities not often seen outside a Russian circus, and all the while, your life-force slowly ebbs away, only replaceable by the gathering of that perfect and rare metal, Gold.
N+ is also an enjoyable folly played with your Eaton-educated chums. In this wise it transcends the experience offered by its personal computer forbearer, allowing you to arrange an enjoyable evening’s entertainment including brandy and cigars for yourself and three others. Should your pals be not so close to you, this can still be enjoyed over the wires of British Telecom’s communications service, as can online leaderboards, which should inflame any young man’s passion for competition.
Finally, a brief word on construction. The N+ programme comes with a very satisfactory level editor. It’s operation is as simple as to make it usable by even women, after only brief instruction. For example, you may find it a pleasant way to spend a Sunday afternoon, after enjoying a fine and uplifting sermon by your minister, and a delicious repast cooked by your dutiful wife, that you and she could while away the hours, composing ever more difficult levels to challenge one-another. What finer way could you spend your time?
All in all, I am firm in my conviction that N+ should be purchased by every God-fearing and loyal Englishman, and to hell with those cowards who shy from it’s challenge, for they are surely as low in moral fibre as any drunken Irish you may find begging on the streets.
God save the Queen.
9/10
Yesterdays “International Slow News Day” left journalists to question their station in life as the crushing worthlessness of their lives became unavoidable.
In an interview, DPoT site creator ‘pjmaybe’ said; “Yesterday I went for a walk, and I found this dead bird on the ground, and I thought that was just like life, you know? So I took it home and sat in the shower with it, stroking its little head for hours and hours.”
Other DPoT staff used their time in other ways. ‘Uncle M’aiq’ joined a local production of ‘West Side Story’ as leader of the Jets, ‘Riff’.
‘Wrong’ found himself incarcerated for horse-theft, ‘thesaint’ died from a heroin overdose, but was revived by the emergency services, and satirical cartoonist ‘disusedgenius’ was killed by Islamic extremists for drawing a man with a beard.
‘Universal Hamster’ was unable to comment objectively, as he is the one writing this, but he did add that; “My colleagues have always been a bunch of sick freaks.”
Universal Hamster is currently being sought by police in connection with an underground bestiality ring.
Dead Rising publishers Capcom did say that their game bears “more than a striking resemblance to Dawn of the Dead but really, heh, it was just a coincidence” - they even took great pains to remind us of this fact every time the game booted on the Xbox 360. But George A. Romero, creator of the original Dawn of the Dead seems to have suddenly woken up after his two year long coma, and has now instructed his leeches…sorry lawyers to “Nail those bastards, and slow!”
“It’s obvious that they’ve ripped me off” said George yesterday, chewing on a fat havana cigar and taking a slug of an extremely expensive 12 year old mature scotch. “Look at the bit with the pies. I mean come on, that’s just a straight take off right there”
Romero is actively pursuing Capcom for damages and royalties that could add up to between $150 million to $200 million dollars. Capcom are unapologetic and have vowed to “Tear George a new one” using frisbees, plastic toy swords and a skateboard if “he comes within 10 feet of Capcom’s secret underground lair”
The BBFC has issued an official guide to parents (those who can read at least) who are still suffering from confusion and angst when it comes to the age ratings on videogames.
“It’s loike dubble dutch t’me” said anxious parent Marjorie Tubb when we showed her the nice shiny laminated plastic guide we’d prepared and printed out.
“Oi mean, how’s are we supposed to figure ahht what 18 means? 18 what? 18 potatoes?”
The BBFC prepared a handy guide, which we’ve cut, copied and pasted below.
U - Unplayable
PG - Pretty Generic
12 - Suitable for 5 and up
12A - The bloke in the flat upstairs
15 - A bit saucy, perhaps some nipple shown or a brief flash of gusset as the character exits, say, a crowded taxi
18 - How can we put this politely? We can’t. STOP BEING A FUCKING CHIP-SCOFFING STINKBAG OF A PARENT AND GET INVOLVED IN WHAT YOUR KID DOES AND WHAT THEY PLAY BECAUSE THE NANNY STATE CAN ONLY WIPE YOUR ARSE FOR SO LONG BEFORE YOU COME UNSTUCK, YOU FAT SWEATY MONGOLOID!
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