Anne Diamond puts Mario Kart Wii against GTA

Celebrity Fit Club cheat, Diet Pill Popper and ex McDonalds haunter Anne Diamond writes a regular column on the evils of videogaming for the Daily Mirror. We thought we’d wheel her bloated fat face into Toast Towers to let her play two of the latest games on the market, and get her expert opinion on them

After going out for takeaways twice, and feeding her big lardy wazin with chelsea buns and tea we managed to get her to sit near enough to the console to get her game on. First up, GTA IV.

“I can’t believe there isn’t an Aldi in Liberty City. I got into my car and drove around the block, taking great care to stop at the red traffic lights - slightly annoyed that there were no indicators or correct motoring signages to take note of, and some FUCKING TUNELESS CUNT came straight out of a side road and sideswiped my car.

That was it, I saw red. I put my foot down, caught the moronic wanker up, dragged him from his car kicking and screaming and bathed, Countess Bathory style, in his rich juicy giblets.  No fucker messes with Anne’s ride”

We calmed her down enough to assuage her with Rich Tea biscuits and a cheeky cup of Liptons Tea before she started in on Mario Kart Wii:

“Oh my god. Oh the depravity. Lurid beast men driving karts depicted as apes of the jungle, dinosaurs and mustachioed porn-star look alikes. The one token female character is forced again and again to take bananas up her exhaust pipe, while other characters in the game gleefully cheer and sing filthy sea shanties. After half an hour with Mario Kart Wii I felt so dirty, so debased that I had to dash from the building and immediately fellate a passing tramp.”

So there you have it folks. If there’s one game you purchase for little Timmy in the next few weeks, make it GTA IV. Otherwise they’ll only get the living shit beaten out of them at school.