Man in Cave - “GTAwhatnow?”

With great diligence and perserverance, we’ve managed to track down the one person on the planet who knows nothing about GTA IV, has never heard of Rockstar Games and has absolutely no fucking interest whatsoever in the game, gamers, gaming, or gammon.

Mr Professor Charlie Bungalow, 96, of The Cave, Heckmondswycke Recreational Grounds, Middleofnowheresville professed to having “no knowledge whatsoever” of the upcoming blockbuster million selling guaranteed 10 out of 10 game Grand Theft Auto Four.

In a candid interview, with the promise of booze and ciggies we managed to winkle a couple of quotes out of him before he drank himself to sleep, urinating and defecating himself several times in the process.

“Whafugging Grant Fess autoerotica?” he mumbled, reaching out to us - we’d like to think - with the pleading arms of a frightened child.

“Whofuckreyouanyway, geddoffmybed!” he added, before lurching forward, losing his balance and accidentally nutting one of our crack reporters, Mr Wrong, right in the nadbags.

Rockstar Games have since contacted us to find out the whereabouts of Mr Professor Bungalow, hoping to secure him for future advertising revenue based on getting the words “Grand Theft Auto IV, it’s fuggin’ great!” across his bare shite-encrusted arse before parading him round the country on the back of an open topped bus, mooning the tattoo-ad at the crowds below.

We wish Mr Professor Bungalow well in the weeks to come as he’s likely to miss the forthcoming gaming apocalypse triggered by GTA Mania, and the downfall of society as the game’s intense criminal-inducing action bites home on our addict-glands like a goat with a hard on.