Two deaths in hazing ritual gone wrong, royal plumber arrested

Mushroom Kingdom. Shocked expressions early this morning as onlookers saw the stretchers carrying the victims being rolled out of Mushroom Castle. A sad day for all inhabitants of the Mushroom Kingdom as the main suspects in this case include none other than the royal plumber himself, Mario. Although at this time no official statements have been put forward by police or by official spokespersons the scene looks bleak.

For years a very special event is held in the Mushroom Kingdom with only a very select few people invited. The event is called Super Smashed Brothers, a mixture of alcohol and violence, and is abhorred by most human/fungi and animalrights groups. Nevertheless attendance at the event is a sure fire way to rise quickly to stardom as revealed last week by Samus Aran in relation to last nights event.

Said Aran: “This’ll be my third attendance, and I can’t wait. Sure it might be a bit rough, but that’s life. Besides the publicity is unbeatable. I’ve saved the galaxy a few times before and you never came to interview me then. Likewise for Mr. Kirby, who thanks to these events has managed to launch his political career.”
When asked about this years newcomers Aran seemed distracted, “The new guys? No idea, all I know is that last year I lost a bet to Mr.Game & Watch and so I have to strip for all the guys this year. That freaky Game & Watch really knows how to hold his drinks.”

The main suspect is known throughout the Mushroom Kingdom as Mario, though his real name is Marino Del Sasso Riscaldato. Currently living in the Mushroom Castle where he rents the garage space, he was seen being brought out handcuffed by police officials earlier this morning. Though the majority of his words were unintelligible he appeared to be talking about space helmets.

“Ah, the helmet joke,” said the pointy eared, veteran of Smashed Brothers Link, “It started out innocently enough, you know, like all our hazing jokes. Ganondorf came up with it, you know? He always has the best ideas. So we grabbed a fish bowl and Mario filled it with Jack Daniels, then quickly we put it on that new guys head instead of his real helmet, you know? What’s that guys name again? The one with the plant people. Well, whatever, but at a certain point, about halfway through the helmet, he stops moving, you know? But not even that purple plant thingy was going near him.”
Extinguishing his cigar on the heel of his boot he continued, “Then that new blue ADD kid was freaking out, running about the place saying how the other new guy was going to die, you know? So, yeah, we started hitting that blue spastic thing with frying pans. Damn bugger wouldn’t keep still, you know? Ofcourse Donkey had to go overboard as always and smacked him around like he was a tennis ball until he started bleeding. Donkey’s a dick, you know?”

More news as it develops.

Christian rights activist group urges ELSPA to lower the age rating for Devil May Cry 4

 

Evesham, Worcestershire - The usually quiet neighbourhood where the offices of the ELSPA (Entertainment and Leisure Software Publishers Association) are located were filled with activity from 10 o’clock this morning. The ELSPA is responsible for giving videogames their appropriate age rating before they can be sold to the general public, and although no strangers to controversy, its employees were nonetheless unfamiliar with the sight of a picketing crowd.

“We are aware of the steadily growing crowd outside our offices and their requests,” said Henry Falters, head of public relations, “however we remain adamant in our stance to be totally independent from anyone when making our verdicts.”
“Oh yeah, he will burn in hell,” assured Kenneth O’ Halloran, one of the spokespersons for the Christian rights activist group. “How can you be independent if you have to serve The Lord? Also remember, ‘Judge not, lest ye be judged yourself.”

The Christian rights activist group, who go by the name of ‘Sign of the Cross-Hair’, are asking for the lowering of the age rating given to a video game entitled Devil May Cry 4, due for release on the 8th of February. The current age rating suggests retailers are not to sell the game to anyone who is under 18 years of age; ‘ridiculous’, according to the protesters.

“How can it be that a game that encourages people to hurt the Devil’s feelings cannot be allowed into the hands of our children?” said O’ Halloran. “We have to realise what a fantastic opportunity this is for the whole country to rejoice and hurt the Devil as much as he has hurt our planet. Notwithstanding that this is only a video game.”
O’ Halloran would not confirm if he had actually played the video game in question and kept giving cryptic answers referring to ’signs’ he had been given.

Although the protest so far has resulted in several chants and the slight harassing of employees heading to work, it has been ‘peaceful enough’ according to Worcestershire police. They remain, however, on full alert due to the incident with the very same group last year when they protested to have all Xbox 360s banned in Britain. “It is unnatural and a grave offence to all good-hearted Christians in our country if a machine signals its own death and subsequently informs it has ended in the first level of Hell, conveyed through the use of a specific ‘red Hell-level indicator ring’ on the front of the machine,” O’ Halloran had argued during that protest.

Though this particular protest is unlikely to receive the same levels of mass media coverage as that infamous incident last year, O’ Halloran is refusing to back down. “We will remain here until they give into our demands, or until the Rapture, whichever comes first! Devil must cry!” he shouted to the other protesters whilst holding a bible in one hand and a Sony SIXAXIS controller in the other.
Henry Falters however remained optimistic about the situation being kept under control. “I don’t think it will get worse. Besides, if it does, we still have the water-cannon on the roof that we got from Nintendo when rating Super Mario Sunshine.”