Little big horn

Under the zip is molten magma!

Lego Catwoman FHM Shoot Confirmed!

“I’ve been considering a shoot in a mens publication for a long time now. I mean why not, I’m an empowered young woman, confidant about my body!” says Selina Kyle with all the confidence you’d except from someone with nine lives.

The brief press conference hosted by FHM (who brokered the deal with Developer Traveller’s Tales and Kyle) to promote next months cover girl will certainly attract the gamer crowd and counter FRONT’s current strategy of putting girls in games.

“I’m all real too, there’s no plastic in these lines!” purred Catwoman as we left, she had a pretty nasty looking whip so who are we to argue?

An FHM spokesman refused to disclose the fee involved but its rumored to be over a million gold coins.

GTA 4: Criminals Unsure

“It’s just too easy, whacking a guy like that, you know, it takes guts, like Jimmy Scuportini, now killing him was no easy matter, I had an internal debate, and yet they make it like some Polak can walse into this country and boom, bamm, shoot everybody!”

I’m tempted to mention Nico Bellic isn’t from Poland and Polak could be one of those newly offensive words but the guy has just confessed to a murder, I’ve only got $800 of chips left, ‘Lefty’ still has my passport and I need to make six grand by the end of the night or I’ll not live to see Rockstars Opus launch.

“Still, I have high hopes for Mafia, even if I don’t agree with the title! My Brothers son works for them, good kid. You know, loyal, got my boy one of them X-Boxes for Christmas.”

The C&VG journalist across from me mutters something about press junkets being too serious these days… a pair of three’s, read ‘em and weep!

Killzone 2 to have 400% more kittens

With Phil Harrison’s departure from Sony for Infogrames on February 25th of this year Kaz Hirai, President and Group CEO of SCEI, assumed his responsibilities as president of SCEE, in addition to his current duties.

So far the take over has happened without issue until late Sunday night when an anonymous Guerrilla Games developer spoke of his concerns.

“You don’t know what’s going happen next, we’re all on tender hooks, he bursts in waving and flashing the peace sign at everyone and then demands ‘400% more kittens in Killzone 2!’, we were speechless.”

And rightly so, this pixel doesn’t like turn based gaming!

Apologies for the lack of news

Myself and Peej have been in an Italian jail for the last three days, the food is better than Pixel Towers usual fair and so far I havent been raped. Peej smuggled a mobile phone into his cell which is pretty impressive considering the size of it.

I’m pretty sure I saw Phil Harrison jump the Police Baracade and head for the woods, the Corpo Forestale dello Stato were pretty confident they’d catch him but I’m not so sure, he’s got long legs.

Anyway, despite a bad signal Universal Hamster got in touch over the weekend and said something about being in New York and ‘Grand Theft Auto’ so expect a preview of the game or a heart rending plea for donations to the defence fund of convict 12098-44 later in the week!

Vatican to release first Wii game!

His Holiness the Pope is happy to announce the imminent release of the Vatican’s first computer video game “Super Jesus Attack!” for the Nintendo Wii.

The Virtual Console game was originally designed for the Super Nintendo in the mid-nineties but moth balled after a papal inquisition felt it could promote pre-marital sex among minors.

THQ, the games developer, successfully lobbied the College of Cardinals to be allowed complete and release what they’re calling:

“Pope John Paul’s final, and most ass kicking, gift to his congregation”.

We’ll have a review just as soon as PJ gives us back our copy and stops ranting about Religious Poison.

EA Facebook Games - First Viewing

must buy Need for Speed … must buy Need for Speed … must buy Need for Speed …

Vodafone offer $12 Billion dollars to buy Whiz

“Vodafone needs Whiz!” bellowed a manic Jermaine Thomas, Corporate Vice President of acquisitions today during a hastily conviened press conference.

“Sure we got money, we’re fucking minted, we just cant find it right now.” he explained while checking his sock drawer for the last of his ‘emergency stash’.

What might the price be, well city insiders have gone off the record to say Whiz is expected to cost Vodafone $12 billion, alot of cash for a mobile company that exits in a non existent city.

“Listen its like this, Vodafone want a piece of every market and Liberty City, fictitious or not is a real market!” he continued as he rooted in a drawer for money.

“We need it, we have to have it, not those fuckers at O2, those cunts will use it all for themselves! They never share, even when we were jonesing for some of the iPhone market they wouldn’t, those shits aint getting in first this time!”

“We’ll pay anything for some Whiz, ANYTHING” was his final comment as security ushered the press from the conference room at Vodafone HQ, Newbury, UK today.

At the time of going to press Rockstar refused to comment on Vodafones offer.

Leak suggests Gordon Brown will link Games to AIDS

MCV are reporting today that a leaked memo from Whitehall spells out his plan to blame AIDS on computer games.

The memo includes part of a speech the Prime Minister is expected to give next week that cites statistics from two studies showing a rise in AIDS related deaths directly correlates to the number of computer games sold in the country the deaths occured since the early 80s.

It concludes:

“Do you want to look like Tom Hanks at the end of the film Philadelphia? Do you want your children to look like Tom Hanks?”

A spokesperson for the Department For Children, Schools and Families said:

“We cannot comment on anything that has not yet been published.”

Viking: Battle for Asgard™ will be the best game ever!

From now until the moment of it’s release all games I preview or review will be compared to Viking: Battle for Asgard™. Since I have decided that it will be the best game ever they will suck like whole unwashed goat rectum soup.

After its release I will return to comparing all games to Supercars 2.