Wii Slob - A new gaming lifestyle choice

For years, gaming has been the sport of choice for couch potatoes. With the advent of the Nintendo Wii, the once innocent and harmless pastime of laying full length on a sweat-stained filthy sofa in your underpants twiddling your thumbs listlessly while manipulating yet another video game avatar through a soulless game has been eschewed in favour of physical exercise, jigging about like a mentalist, and pretending that the Wiimote actually does accurately reflect your on-screen Mii’s physical exertions.

As the antithesis to Wii Fit, Chimpcock Studios has announced Wii Slob, an exclusive title developed solely for the new Wii peripheral, the Wii Pants. Slide these filth-encrusted babies on, and you can control Wii Slob’s main character, Charlie Bonce, through over 2000 levels of degrading self-debasing gameplay.

DPOT were given an exclusive sneak preview of Wii Slob. In a dimly lit room at Chimpcock studios that stank of a combination of stale nicotine, urine and fecal impactions we slid on our Wii Pants and played through the first few levels of the game.

Level 1 involves trying to take a piss through an inadequately sized underpant vent in a pair of mustard-coloured Millets Y Fronts. Successfully slipping “the chap” out through the flap warrants rewards, points and a special little cup. Failure means mouldy shoes and a rusty fly zip.

Level 2 was even better. Due to the sensitivity of the Wii Pants controller, you must slide the Wii Pants down in order to lay a log of immense magnitude in a series of pristine ceramic toilets. Bonus points are given based on the grade, length, girth and flotation of your log. Manipulate the Wii Pants incorrectly and you end up decorating the entire toilet wall with runny brown pebble dash.

Wii Slob is expected to outsell Wii Fit, doesn’t take up as much room in your junk cupboard once you realise you are a fat apathetic piece of crap who is about as likely to use a videogame to get fit as they are likely to pass up that last slice of bacon pizza.

Wii Slob - by Chimpcock Studios retails for $49.99 in the US and £249.99 in the UK.

Man in Cave - “GTAwhatnow?”

With great diligence and perserverance, we’ve managed to track down the one person on the planet who knows nothing about GTA IV, has never heard of Rockstar Games and has absolutely no fucking interest whatsoever in the game, gamers, gaming, or gammon.

Mr Professor Charlie Bungalow, 96, of The Cave, Heckmondswycke Recreational Grounds, Middleofnowheresville professed to having “no knowledge whatsoever” of the upcoming blockbuster million selling guaranteed 10 out of 10 game Grand Theft Auto Four.

In a candid interview, with the promise of booze and ciggies we managed to winkle a couple of quotes out of him before he drank himself to sleep, urinating and defecating himself several times in the process.

“Whafugging Grant Fess autoerotica?” he mumbled, reaching out to us - we’d like to think - with the pleading arms of a frightened child.

“Whofuckreyouanyway, geddoffmybed!” he added, before lurching forward, losing his balance and accidentally nutting one of our crack reporters, Mr Wrong, right in the nadbags.

Rockstar Games have since contacted us to find out the whereabouts of Mr Professor Bungalow, hoping to secure him for future advertising revenue based on getting the words “Grand Theft Auto IV, it’s fuggin’ great!” across his bare shite-encrusted arse before parading him round the country on the back of an open topped bus, mooning the tattoo-ad at the crowds below.

We wish Mr Professor Bungalow well in the weeks to come as he’s likely to miss the forthcoming gaming apocalypse triggered by GTA Mania, and the downfall of society as the game’s intense criminal-inducing action bites home on our addict-glands like a goat with a hard on.

Molyneux dribbles on some more about Fable 2

In an effort to get inside his head, and find out just what makes the Molyvirus tick, we invited him to DPOT Towers (now situated above a betting shop in Purley) for an informal interview.

In a blaze of light, and a noise like the startup sequence of some divine games console, The Molyvirus arrived in a white Rolls Royce Silver Shadow, accompanied by his minion - a gestalt entity constructed from various hacked off body parts of programmers the Molyvirus has previously trodden underfoot.

“So tell us about Fable 2″ we asked, brewing up a cup of DPOT Tea (the special kind with one or two roofees slipped into the mix, just in case our interviewees don’t play ball).

“AH! Fable 2, my second most favourite subject…after talking about myself of course!” rumbled the Molyvirus. “Fable 2 will transcend every genre in gaming. You don’t just merely play Fable 2, Fable 2 cleverly undoes your trousers, slides itself into your undergarments and makes you multiple orgasm before you’ve even gained your first achievement. It’s that good, trust me”

We shifted uncomfortably in our seats at the prospect of being date-raped by a video game but pressed on.

“So what is Fable 2’s kink? What would sell it to me above any other RPG game?”

At the mention of “RPG” the Molyvirus turned grey and started to rumble, a distant rumble like an approaching monsoon or the first grumblings of a volcanic explosion.

“RPG! How the fuck dare you!” screamed the Molyvirus, lightning erupting from his fingertips. “This is no mere role playing game. Fable 2 is life itself, encapsulated on a DVD, spun folded and mutilated by your 360, and served up hot and steaming like primordial love soup”.

“So, er…care to elaborate on that?” we nervously asked.

“Well there are so many secret bits I’m not allowed to talk about” he giggled coquettishly, patting our knees in turn. “But because I’m a filthy gossipy old attention whore I’ll let you in on the secret. You know the lark? Well there’s a lark in the game…we’ve accurately modelled the lark’s tears so that they fall using an intricately woven piece of chaos mathematics so complex that your 360 will actually need to become a hive mind with other networked 360s throughout the world in order to just render each teardrop.”

We mused on this piece of information for a second.

“Will the player notice that though? I mean does it become an integral part of the player’s quest?”

The Molyvirus flicked us a disdainful look of contempt. “Course they will dear boy, in fact we’re banking on it because it’ll help distract them from the fucking awful V-Synch problems, chronic slowdown and texture tearing we…er…we forgot to bugtest out of the game. Hey ho, them’s the dice and that’s how they fall. “

The Molyvirus then kissed us all messily on the lips, shouted “Toodle Pip” in a fey voice, and departed in a cloud of smug self-congratulation.

Fable 2 is out this year. Apparently it’s going to blow you.

96% of Gamer Cosplayers “do it for the chix”

In an independent survey, a whopping 96% of videogame cosplayers admitted that “they dressed up purely for the chix”. At a recent videogaming convention in Tooth Falls, Nebraska, DPOT reporters infiltrated the event dressed as Sonic, Mario and that bloke with the big sword from Final Fantasy 7. After surreptitiously observing the parades and rituals associated with a convention / cosplay event we came to the following conclusions:

1) Fat women should not dress as any of the following: Lara Croft, Samus or Chun Li.

2) Men should not, under any circumstances, dress as Lara Croft, Samus or Princess Daisy. Chun Li is acceptable if thigh circumference exceeds 32 inches.

3) If by some slim chance you manage to ensnare a member of the opposite sex while dressed in videogaming cosplay, please remember to take adequate protection when copulating / coupling, to negate the risk that you might procreate and bring up a whole new generation of weirdos.

* Note - the other 4% of cosplayers admitted that they wore videogaming cosplay “to get fat nerdy boys hard so they can go back to their hotel rooms and scam their banking details”

Anne Diamond puts Mario Kart Wii against GTA

Celebrity Fit Club cheat, Diet Pill Popper and ex McDonalds haunter Anne Diamond writes a regular column on the evils of videogaming for the Daily Mirror. We thought we’d wheel her bloated fat face into Toast Towers to let her play two of the latest games on the market, and get her expert opinion on them

After going out for takeaways twice, and feeding her big lardy wazin with chelsea buns and tea we managed to get her to sit near enough to the console to get her game on. First up, GTA IV.

“I can’t believe there isn’t an Aldi in Liberty City. I got into my car and drove around the block, taking great care to stop at the red traffic lights - slightly annoyed that there were no indicators or correct motoring signages to take note of, and some FUCKING TUNELESS CUNT came straight out of a side road and sideswiped my car.

That was it, I saw red. I put my foot down, caught the moronic wanker up, dragged him from his car kicking and screaming and bathed, Countess Bathory style, in his rich juicy giblets.  No fucker messes with Anne’s ride”

We calmed her down enough to assuage her with Rich Tea biscuits and a cheeky cup of Liptons Tea before she started in on Mario Kart Wii:

“Oh my god. Oh the depravity. Lurid beast men driving karts depicted as apes of the jungle, dinosaurs and mustachioed porn-star look alikes. The one token female character is forced again and again to take bananas up her exhaust pipe, while other characters in the game gleefully cheer and sing filthy sea shanties. After half an hour with Mario Kart Wii I felt so dirty, so debased that I had to dash from the building and immediately fellate a passing tramp.”

So there you have it folks. If there’s one game you purchase for little Timmy in the next few weeks, make it GTA IV. Otherwise they’ll only get the living shit beaten out of them at school.

The Byron Report - “It’s just statin’ the bleedin’ obvious, innit!” says Tanya

Government sweetheart and new spokesperson for the evil that is videogaming, Dr Tanya Byron picked up a cool 1.2 million pound payment cheque for The Byron Report - the new white paper showing how the nation’s children can be saved from the evils of videogaming.

Laughing all the way to the bank, Ms Byron, 44 gave an exclusive interview to Dead Pixels on Toast.

“It’s a bit bleedin’ obvious really” she said, through a mouthful of scottish shortcake crumbs and a rather sexy little cup of darjeeling. “I just put what I thought would sound good. I mean everyone’s sayin’ how I said to put age ratings on games like they are on films! Hah, look at your game boxes and they’re already there innit!”

She cackled, making us slightly uncomfortable but still determined to sneak a look down her top at her rather bounteous mammaries.

Ms Byron has been commissioned to write a follow-up report in a year’s time entitled “The Games Industry - How they want to harvest your organs and sell kittens to the chinese for medical experiments” which will shockingly make the suggestion that parents take responsibility for what their child is exposed to, and stop fiddling with their private parts while watching Judge Judy and Loose Women instead.

Boon-Ga Boon-Ga “Coming to Wii, DS” says Nintendo…

Japanese Arcade CEO Shimmyshammy Mizuno playing the Wii version yesterday

 Controversial Japanese arcade classic Boon-Ga Boon-Ga (Japanese for “Where did you hide that tube of fruit pastilles I gave you earlier?”) is coming to Wii and DS, according to an industry spokesman yesterday.

Shimmyshammy Mizuno, CEO of “Gore Blimey Games and military satellite Company” announced that the game will be slightly reworked in order to make the best of the two Nintendo platforms.

 ”With the DS the conversion is pretty straightforward. Players will winkle oddments of flotsam and jetsam from a series of game character’s arses using the stylus. Bonus points will also be given if the player gently blows on the microphone to calm the in-game character down during this delicate procedure”.

The Wii version proved to be a bit more of a challenge. “It’s like going through Airport Security and trying not to catch the eye of the guy with the fat fingers” said Mizuno. “With the Wiimote, we wanted to replicate the experience of having your dartford tunnel ferreted about with as accurately as possible, so we have invented a wipe clean hygenic sleeve that pops over the Wiimote before it is introduced to the anal tract”

Multiplayer on Wii will be the first game in the console’s history that has genuine cause for health and safety concerns, particularly ahead of the game’s US release where thousands and thousands of americans will probably get carried away and try to stuff at least ten Wiimotes up each other’s arses before common sense kicks in and they contact their lawyers in order to proceed with a successful lawsuit.

There is as yet no word about a UK / European release but top ego and celeb fatface Chris Moyles is said to be “intensely interested” in the game, and was quoted as saying “I’ll probably stop playing COD 4 like a no life fatman if this arrives.”

Thompson to “Sue those bastards at DeadPixelsOnToast”

It’s true. We got in this morning and there sitting on the welcome mat just inside the front door of DPOT Towers was a writ. And in that writ was the following text:

To Whom It May Concern…

Dear Stinkturds.

I am Jack Thompson, representing the interests and trademarks of Jack Thompson Industries.

Following your so called spoof article entitled “Thompson to “Sue those bastards at DeadPixelsOnToast” I have decided to get in touch with my lawyer (ie me) and pursue litigation. When I spoke to myself in the mirror earlier I encouraged myself to sue you because you have made the following character defamations against both my good name and my lawyer’s good name.

1) You said I called you a bastard. I did not sir. I did not cast aspersions on your parentage at all. The use of foul language like “Bastard” even when describing a screwdriver or hammer is beneath me thus I call contempt.

2) You said my mother smelled of wee. She does not sir. My mother, Agnes Thompson is a fragrant and upstanding member of the international law community. She often sits on the bench in cases of great importance and afterwards I put her back under that huge pile of coal in the basement while parading around in her clothes and faking her voice.

3) You said that I was working for Rockstar Games. How dare you fucking DARE to associate me with those cum guzzling shit raddled fecal impactions on legs, those squirrel stools, those cheetah fanny-batter munching cock smuggling arse redeemers, those aardvark fuckers! They’re not fit to lick the urine splatters from the back of my toilet bowl. I WILL KILL THEM ALL (at this point in the letter the writing became slightly indistinct and in most places was replaced with red crayon inscriptions saying “REDRUMROCKSTAR”

4) What’s wrong with my choice of clothing? I’ll have you know this was tailored by Hawkes of Saville Row you shitstained monkeypunchers!

The letter from Thompson went on for another ten pages, and was signed at the bottom.

Love and Kisses

Jack “Neat little vest with the buckles on the back” Thompson.

We would like to go on record at this point by offering Thompson a place within our organisation, so long as he ups his beverage-making game…

Gamerpics, Themes and Icons…but hang on where’s the game?

You’ve done it so many times. Logged into the Xbox Live Marketplace, checked out “What’s new” and seen a bunch of game names there you don’t recognise. “Cool” you say in a reedy nerd voice laced with processed cheese and cheap supermarket cola. “New games = new nerd tricks, right?”

Ker-WRONG! You click on the link and lo and behold it’s another fucking gamer picture, theme or some other piece of worthless witchety-grub raddled filth that the games publisher wants to charge you 150 of your hard earned points for.

EA Marketplace Content Executive Milton Freund (Pictured above jockeying a particularly large sausage at an EA Staffers-only bash that we managed to infiltrate by dressing as dorks) is adamant that this kind of marketing pays for itself, and really does help promote a game.

“Take our upcoming title “Genital Wart Shooter Underground” - now the total PR spend allowed on the title is about 75 pence. We could go the Rockstar route and just tell everyone that it’s the game paedophiles play, thus getting it banned and sending its online sales curve stratospheric. But no, we choose to play the game properly, we release a gamer pic and a theme, charge a premium for gamers to promote OUR games by using OUR icons and themes on THEIR consoles, and everyone’s happy!”

Freund is also in charge of EA’s latest marketing project - to put EA branded game characters and themes onto everything from feminine hygiene products, to loo roll, to cat litter trays.

“It’ll work, trust me! Think of the satisfaction as you ease out a glistening long curly and slightly fragrant log onto the face of John Madden - or better still, wipe the seepage from the end of your knob after a great session with some scrubber you picked up in a nightclub on a tissue emblazoned with the Burnout logo! We’re not content for it to just be “in the game”, we now want it inside you. In all of you. All day, every day.”

At this point in the interview, Milton started fitfully fiddling with his private parts so we made our excuses and left before they went off.

New EA song betrays future ambitions…

We’re through with standin’ in line
To snaffle Midnight Club
We’re at the bottom of the barrel
And we’re nowhere near a pub
Till we own all the gamers
We’re not where we wanted to be
(Tell us what you want)

I want a software house with a
Billion dollar IP
So we can run ‘em underground
And say “tee hee hee”
But we’re only willing to pay about ten new pee
(Yeah, so tell us what you need)

We need an ad campaign that’s got no limit
And to coax Jack Thompson to co-star in it

Gonna turn the Daily Mirror
seventy shades of green

–(Been there done that)–

We want a new game engine

That is just like theirs

But we’ll change the name

so you don’t split hairs
The graphics might be different but it’s still all the same to me

We’re gonna trade their stocks for fortunes in games

And we couldn’t give a toss if you call us names

[CHORUS]
‘Cause we all just wanna buy up Rockstar

Sit in penthouse offices smokin’ cigars

The games come cheap and the coders come free

We’ll own every goddamned devco far as you can see

And we’ll hang out on the E3 floor

And we’ll own every booth cos there’s no indies anymore

In the VIP press lounge where the liggers are cheap

We’ll buy every perfect ten score and you won’t sleep

Hey, ey we’re gonna own Rockstar.

Hey, ey we’re gonna own that Rockstar.

Y’see that Grand Theft Auto’s just got us beat

Cos we know we can’t make a game that’s just as neat

If you can’t beat ‘em buy ‘em, sounds pretty good to me

And then once we gott’em we’ll make endless sequels

and prequels and Wiiquels and PS3quels

Pretty soon you’ll be able to get GTA briefs

(So how you gonna do it?)

We’re gonna trade their shares for fortunes in games

We’re gonna cut their budget

So they get a shit name

‘Cause we all just wanna buy up Rockstar
Cos the fuckers won’t come easy, they won’t get far
We got Bullfrog and Maxis and we buggered Westwood
Ain’t nobody in the business that won’t be in our hood

And once we’ve got all the software houses

we’ll buy up Nintendo and make ‘em wear blouses

Then we’ll cripple Microsoft, and kick Sony in the balls

Even Infogrames ain’t safe cos we really hate those Gauls

Every shitbox devco’s gonna wind up here
Every tinpot outfit and all their gear
When we’ve finally got ‘em all we can just rest easy

And we do not give a toss if it makes you queasy

Hey hey we’re gonna buy up Rockstar

Yay hey, we’re gonna pulverise Rockstar

(and we’ll hire Uwe Boll to make the GTA Movie too, you fags!)