Quake Live : First Impressions

Browser launched FPS death-match Quake Live has just gone into beta and DPoT are here to relay to you the reactions to it.

Housewife and SE regional Solitaire champ, Kathy Doonce was our contact inside the beta. “The most shocking thing was that the mouse pointer didn’t move, which I’ve never seen happen in a Windows game before, but that’s not the weird bit.” Kathy at this point shifted uneasily in her seat, “When you move the mouse, the pointer which isn’t even an arrow stays still and the game moves around instead, it was most unnerving and exciting at the same time.”

“I was most disappointed that there was no tutorial, normally a web game has a cute little animal that tells you how to play but I was just put straight into the game and I hadn’t clue what to do,” she recalls with bemusement. “The game seemed to be in a room that I could look at in any direction. So I first thought it was one of those locked room games where you find clues and items to escape so I tried clicking on the doorway.”

“It makes an odd noise when you click, a bang in fact. And what’s more, nothing happened, I guess I wasn’t going to escape Quake Live that easily. Then another odd thing happened, text messages started appearing in the window.” “A chat window?” we prompted. “Yes, I knew so because they were using mobile-speak, substituting numbers for syllables and all that. I guessed that it was some sort of help chat as the game was obviously hard.”

“Eager to get started I tried to type something back and I discovered something new,” she enthused, “The words I typed didn’t get sent to the help window but I noticed that when I typed certain keys the game moved again, very much differently to the mouse.” “After some exploration I discovered that I could move around Quake Live which explains why clicking on stuff didn’t work.” Looking quite proud of herself Mrs Doonce continued, “The key choices were quite odd though. But I think I figured it out : W for walk, A for askew, D for deviate and S for stand back. Although I think they should have used X for ex-filtrate as that makes the keys symmetrical.”

Now able to explore, Kathy continues with her discoveries, “I left the room I was in after collecting all of the rotating objects inside. No clicking was necessary, I just had to walk into them. I came upon a big room and was amazed to see it full of weird looking people all running and jumping with brightly coloured things flying everywhere.” Kathy is wide eyed as she tells us this, “I tried clicking on them to see if I could control them in case this was some sort of Sims game. I think it worked because one of them turned to face me, sent brightly coloured stuff at me and then I was warped to another room!”

“I left that room and came across another open space again I clicked one of the strange men and he warped me somewhere else. I slowly came to realise that this was how you escaped Quake Live. You must have to click on the men in the right order to go through the right rooms and escape!”

So we left Kathy sat at her computer with a notepad at her side, blissfully clicking on men and making notes. She promises to send word when she finally escapes.

Nintendo DS replaces Gin for title of “Mother’s Ruin”

Being a ’soccer-mom’ is a full time job. The endless cycle of cooking, cleaning, shopping, school-runs and after school activities can cause stress that all adds up. The tradition remedy of a swift nip of neat liquor however is fast dying out, over-worked parents are turning towards technology. A recent study of relaxation methods in adults by Professor Joseph Elderbrecht of Missouri State Technical has shown that the Nintendo DS is becoming increasingly popular with a downward trend in alcoholism. Also on the decline were such wholesome activities as exercising pets, creative pursuits (arts and crafts) and sex. A further examination of the data revealed that it was mainly the puzzle games which had drawn the interest with various SuDoKu titles being the most popular.

This may seem like a benign or even beneficial shift in behaviour but investigation proves otherwise. We first talked to 7 year old Sandy Higgurtz, student at Elmtree Elementary and goal attack for the Elmtree Dynamos. “We took the end to the slurred speech as a good sign,” she begins, “but then we realised it was because she wasn’t speaking at all, she’s too busy with her DS. What’s worse she wasn’t even watching the road.” It’s not just Sandy’s mother who’s got the DS-bug, staff at the school can’t find any volunteers for the crossing guard now that the roads are so dangerous.

Problems don’t end with the school run either. Sports are affected too. “We just don’t get the support that we used too. The touchline just has our moms quietly scribbling away with their styluses,” and sandy recalls the pre-DS games, “There used to be yelling and cheering, which really helped. It got so exciting sometimes that mom would taunt and leer at the other team’s moms, other times she just pukes like I do at my friend’s birthday parties. That’s always a good sign of having fun.”

The shift doesn’t just affect immediate family, businesses and services suffer too. Joe Saliari, proprietor of Joe’s Booze Bin has had a hard time, “Business has dropped, I used to have weekly orders that I relied on but now all I have to rely on are frat parties and winos. I don’t even have the extra walk-in trade that comes at the end of a Parent-Teacher evening”, he laments, “I’m even ashamed to say that I pray for a large scale disaster to bring in the trade, my tills are empty, I’ve had to turn away 3 armed robbers this week.”

Across town at Elmtree Memorial Hospital the DS is also having an effect. “Our budgets are now completely infeasible,” cries Dr Eliah Woodwork, hospital director. “We’ve only just completed the George Best wing. It’s specially kitted out for all manner of alcohol related illnesses and we have the nation’s best liver transplant specialist on tenure.” Had Professor Elderbrecht released his findings earlier the hospital could have invested in automotive injuries and RSI physiotherapy, “We did the numbers first to pre-empt future patients but no-one predicted that the DS would cause this. I was so shocked at the study I had to calm myself down with a few hours of Picross.” Dr Woodwork still manages to find a silver lining though, “We will at least have the shortest transplant waiting list for livers, I guess. And we didn’t go for the new natal ward, pregnancies seem to be on the decline too.”

Fleet Street close to publishing Xbox Live Terror link article

Major British tabloids may be on the brink of going to print with an article linking the use of Xbox Live by Al Quaeda to groom new cyber-terrorists. “We think their ultimate aim is to convert our disenfranchised youth but it’s not enough to just have a headline,” said a news syndicate insider, “You need to back it up with at least some anecdotal evidence or some carefully selected vox-pop quotes.”

The news-mongers are ready to go as soon as they have the materials they need. Our source showed us one of their article templates, a typical shock-piece with the quotes, referenced information and related images removed. “This is the one we used for the story about paedophiles using the DS Lite’s wireless chat to prey on the innocent.” Then pointing at the gaps, “All we need to do is drag and drop the new material in, it’s efficient journalism”.

Efficient indeed. It is even hoped that the same template may be used when Sony roll out Home, a sort of MySpace for a children’s console that has parallels with the on-line world of Second Life. A place that journalists know to be populated with the most depraved people on the internet. “As soon as the first horror stories appear, we’ll be ready.”

However, the article may not make it to print just yet. It’s shock rating may not be right for the public just now, something the syndicate keeps track of via a shock index to gauge whether an article is ripe enough. “We can’t just push a new story out there as soon as we get it. We must first predict how it affects the index.” stresses our contact. “A low-shock piece is great for keeping the public tension topped up but will sink unnoticed when the feel good factor is high. Likewise high-shock stuff is a great opener to a stress-campaign but can induce hysteria. That really messes up the index.”

It was also noted that shock-overload could also have the disastrous effect of de-sensitizing the populous. “It’s like a cocaine addict getting a bigger than normal hit,” begins the analogy, “The initial effect is amazing but it renders your small charges impotent for a long time”. “We have to time things right, one of the tabloids may run a Maddie update and that can just rock the boat for everyone.”