EA “Finally gone too far”

The only existing picture of EA’s Volcano Base. Many Bothans died to bring us this image.

Electronic Arts have been no stranger to ruffling the feathers of the gaming community peacock. One of it’s recent activities, namely the plan to charge extra for weapons in the upcoming “Battlefield - Bad Company” was the subject of a successful boycott, but now, with the astonishing price of the PAL version of “Rock Band”, EA appear to be drawing a line in the sand.

We got confirmation of this just today, as development manager Greg LoPiccolo of Harmonix, (The once cool but now corporate whore creators of Guitar Hero) told us his game is “not magically going to get cheaper because you wish it to be so.” EA, no doubt trying to re-assert its authority in the politio-gaming sphere, are clearly making this their crossing of the Rubicon, their invasion of Poland. The only question is what do we, as gamers do now?

We at DPoT are the first site to come to a clear and unanimous decision, and the time for petitions and protest is over. We shall be leading an assault on EA’s underground lair of evil, (Pictured above) on Saturday the 19th of April, and need every able-bodied gamer, (We are aware that may not include many of you, so ask your friends and family to come along too!) and we also encourage you to bring your own packed lunch.

To those worried about our chances of success, General Peej has already outlined a full-proof strategy. I cannot divulge too much about it because I was asleep for most of the briefing, but I do seem to remember him mentioning; “Wave upon wave of my own men to choke the enemy with our dead.” so that sounds suitably militaristic, and I can assure you he has played many games of Command & Conquer, so he is up to date with all the latest battle techniques from the future.

Onward to victory!

Cannibal Corpse arrives on Singstore

Cheeky death-metal scamps Cannibal Corpse are the latest act to arrive on Sony’s Singstore.  The Buffalo - based band are said to be delighted with their new deal to bring three of their hits from the 1991 album “Butchered at Birth”. The tracks you will be getting your tonsils round are the title track, “Butchered at Birth”,  “Vomit the Soul” and of course, “Meat Hook Sodomy”.

Next week on the Singstore sees the release of Samwell’s classic “What What”.

Exclusive GTA IV Multiplayer Preview

It’s not often that any one news source gets the sole opportunity of an extended playtest of such an anticipated game, especially a new site such as DPoT, but it seems our reputation for unflinching, detailed and fearless reporting has paid off.
It all started when Peej called me into his office for a meeting.
“Look,” I started, “I already told you, I don’t know who keeps stealing from the sanitary bin in the women’s toilet…”
He cut me off with a wave of his hand, and said: “Rockstar have called, they’re giving us an exclusive preview of the game’s multiplayer and downloadable content. Everyone else is away in Brussels covering the 2008 Dairy Produce in Games Conference, and my cat has the flu. I have no choice but to send you.”

With that, I was off to another adventure, this time to the small town of New York, so remote that it is only accessible by an eight hour journey in an aeroplane. This was all fairly uneventful, a nice man gave me a package to take to his friends in the New York airport, on the plane they very kindly gave me a meal, (which, in fairness, could have been better) bid me watch one of their many televisions, and even let me sleep.

Rockstar president Stan Houser met me at the airport with a limousine, and said he was taking me to dinner to talk about what I would be seeing the next day. I was immediately worried by this, did he have some sort of ulterior motive? I decided I wouldn’t drink and keep an eye out for any advances.
After this, conversation was strained, but I told him I was tired after my journey. Later we dined in my hotel, the Trump International, and I had something very nice with a French name that I cant remember. During the meal, Houser told me about the features of the multiplayer side of GTA IV in detail, I tried to listen, but I was worried that the other diners might think we were an item, so I loudly tutted and rolled my eyes at what he was saying to make sure everyone got the message.

After Houser left, I went out for a walk, taking in the night air, and seeing a little of the city. Clearly this “New” York was much different from the York I knew. The buildings seemed taller than even the DPoT tower, and I guessed that New York must be a great deal bigger than I had suspected, perhaps even twice the size of Woking. Several times I was begged at for money, once by a highly motivated young man with a knife. To him I gave the most generously, because I could tell that he must be pretty desperate to get himself so worked up as to actually threaten someone’s life. I wandered on, now without any money or shoes, and I started to feel somewhat dejected. I peered in the windows of sex-shops and wished I had not given away all the spending money I was allowed by Peej, so I could enjoy a lap-dance or take in a saucy puppet-show. In my loneliness, I started to think of Stan’s earlier advances, and how neat his little beard was. Had I been too rash in rebuffing him? Could I not have at least given it a try?

In sorrow and more homesick than I had ever been before, I walked back to the Hotel, and crawled into bed. I woke under the same bleak depression I had been before, and when the phone rang to tell me the car was waiting to bring me to the playtest, I ignored it, and spent the rest of the day under the duvet, just wanting to go home. Only when it was time to make my way to the airport did I rise, and spent the rest of the journey in floods of tears, desperate to see my fair green land of home once more.

In summary, I’m sure GTA IV will be really great, I mean, that’s what you want to hear, isn’t it?

Looking back with love: 3 - Elite

Say the word Elite to any gamer ‘of a certain age’ and undoubtedly a faraway look will come to their eyes as they remember a glorious career, meticulously planned trade routes, pitched space battles, and resisting the siren call of the space-mermaids in the rainbow nebula. Elite lingers long as a gaming influence, providing the basis for such modern day classics like EVE Online, Privateer, and Bear in the Big Blue Spaceship.

Series creator William Stent has been missing ever since the game’s release in 1960, taking only his massive fortune and a trophy-wife named Mindy.  I had expected never to hear of him again, but all that changed a week ago, when Peej called me into his office. He told me that I would be heading to Cambodia to conduct an interview with Stent in an armed compound deep in the jungle. Then, when the interview was completed, I would terminate him with extreme prejudice. “The interview must remain exclusive.” explained Peej.

Travelling up the Mekong river, I studied his files. At first, I couldn’t believe they wanted this man dead. The list of classic games he produced went on and on. Football Friday, Placebo Giants, Pancake Attack, etc etc. I was in a state of some anxiety when I reached the compound. A strange Englishman named Whizzo led me into Stent’s dark and reeking hut.

“Space, there’s a lot of it,” Came a voice from a bed in the far corner. It continued; “if you don’t watch out, it will steal your kidneys.”
I pressed him for details of the game’s creation, but he persisted in outrageous philisophical statements, like; “Space is like a dog trapped in a toilet bowl. You can let it out, but you wont want to let it back in your bed…”

I despaired getting anything other than nonsense from him, so I asked Whizzo to fill me in on the details.
“Part of the success of Elite was down to it being released on the educational computers, the Acorn BeBop, and the BBC Flava Flav, for example. It allowed no end of nerdy losers to be able to play the game, which was, after all, a work of genius. Providing a free novel in the box along with the game was another coup.”
(The novel, an adaptation of the first series of ‘Keeping up Appearances’, was critically panned.)
“It was also the first game to use motion capture for its animation. William made little wire models of all the ships, and would run around with them going NEEEEOOWWWW! DAGGADAGGADAGGADAGGA!” The effect was stunning at the time. A totally realistic depiction of space flight and combat.

So how does the game play in our future of the games past? Whizzo brought me back to Stent’s hut where I found him playing Elite on a Nintendo Entertainment and Weather Tracking System. He wouldn’t let me have a go. I begged and pleaded and wept, but all he would say was; “Space times twenty equals apple.” In a rage I grabbed him and strangled him with my teeth. I picked up the controller and tried to manually dock. I flew right into the wall.

The horror…

Pensioner claims Wii “A bit shit really”

 

Elderly citizen Spag Houtrim was today ejected from The Omega care home, after decrying the Nintendo Wii in front of his afternoon activity group.

“It was shocking and totally unheard of.” Claimed The Omega’s senior administrator, Stephanie Batterschrist. “He just stood up and started ranting about how Wii Sports may be novel and intuitive, but it has a lack of any real depth, and that Nintendo has found no better use for its expensive new control system.”

“Indeed, his outburst has caused an uproar in our facility. Now Elsie Watkins and June Smithee are wanting to play ‘that Gears of War’ and old Phil Bendwing stormed out of activities the other day shouting; ‘Virtua Fighter 5 or get fucked!’ We had to get rid of Mr Houtrim before the situation gets worse.”

DPoT will be keeping an eye on the situation as it develops, sending Amajiro in undercover as an old lady to get at the truth, or at least stir some more shit.

CCP lay out EVE Online’s 500 year plan

 

Developer CCP today laid out a far-reaching strategy that should keep the already venerable EVE Online fresh to its legions of players.

As CCP spokesman, Bjorknir Kristðarson said; “The main challenge we foresee is that, sooner or later, the human race may well be exploring the stars and mining asteroids. How then do we keep EVE exciting and cutting edge? Our most ambitious update is scheduled for release in the next 400 years or so…”

This update is to create an infinite amount of parallel universes; “The inter-dimensional jump-core can be fitted to any ship, and used to jump instantaneously to a random and procedurally-generated alternate dimension. Imagine you are under attack by a fleet of pirates. Do you try to fight them off, or do you hit the jump-core? Maybe in the alternate universe, you will be under attack by a fleet of harmless daffodils, or maybe you could find yourself up against a fleet of deadly space-voles. The choice is yours.”

However, those looking forward to inter-dimensional travel should start training the skill when it is released in next month’s patch.

“We’ve had to drastically increase skill training times. As people’s lifespan increases in the future, we need to slow down their advancement through the game. Its no good allowing a thousand year old player to have everything trained, so we will need to make even the most basic skills have a good six-month training time.”

More as we get it.

Boy, (12) quells zombie uprising

 

Lawrence County, Arkansas, where local boy Chad Skunt single-handedly fought of wave after wave of the recently undead In his hometown of Minturn.
“It was incredible,” Said local Sheriff,  Cecil C Chinwel, “Everyone was runnin’ about like headless chickens, but that boy, I say that boy knew exactly what to do.”
“He sure did,” Confirmed local resident Madge Sproctor, “I aint too proud to admit that none o’ mine knew what to do. They were running off on their own, keeping their backs to suspicious shadows, tryin’ to plead with the things and the like, but little Chad just shot those sum-bitches in the head, and good riddence to em!’

Chad, pictured here shortly after the slaughter claimed; “It was videogames and movies gave me the know-how, Especially watching Dawn of the Dead, and playing Cottage of Doom, which gave me all the experience I needed to secure our house against the festering dead.”

Authorities are unsure as to the cause of this outbreak, but have narrowed it down to a curse, a science experiment gone horribly wrong, or the end of days as predicted in Revelations.

Review: N+

This morning I woke up, it seemed a day much like any other, yet it was not. Today would be the day I reviewed N+. Everyone knew it, they would stop me in the street when I was passing to ask; “When are you reviewing N+?”
“Silence peasant.” I would say, flatly, “For I am walking. Every second you impede my progress is a second in which my opinion shall be delayed.” A sharp rap to the knuckles with my umbrella, (For all real men should carry an umbrella or cane in these days) would send the urchin on his way.

N+ is a game set in a crisp, grey environment that is as cold and ruthless as the devil’s smile, two score and ten chapters of five levels apiece await those who would test their mettle against it. Surely, to succeed, your eye must not be dimmed by grief or the effects of laudanum, for this is an artifice of the most grave difficulty, a whirling contraption of perils and pitfalls not often seen by those who dabble seldom in works other than those released with the greatest furore and pomp. That hollow imitation of challenge and reward is not to be found here, N+ surely requires the skill of old, spoken of in hushed tones when men, deep in their cups, converse fearfully and gravely of the giants who once strode our land, laughing as they fearlessly challenged the might of Ninja Gaiden, or Ikaruga.

N+ is no simulator of pugilism, nor is it the ‘bullet hell’ of the oriental arcade. It’s hell is one borne of space and physics and survival, against foes made of automata who may not be defeated, merely avoided. This you may do with a range of agilities not often seen outside a Russian circus, and all the while, your life-force slowly ebbs away, only replaceable by the gathering of that perfect and rare metal, Gold.

N+ is also an enjoyable folly played with your Eaton-educated chums. In this wise it transcends the experience offered by its personal computer forbearer, allowing you to arrange an enjoyable evening’s entertainment including brandy and cigars for yourself and three others. Should your pals be not so close to you, this can still be enjoyed over the wires of British Telecom’s communications service, as can online leaderboards, which should inflame any young man’s passion for competition.

Finally, a brief word on construction. The N+ programme comes with a very satisfactory level editor. It’s operation is as simple as to make it usable by even women, after only brief instruction. For example, you may find it a pleasant way to spend a Sunday afternoon, after enjoying a fine and uplifting sermon by your minister, and a delicious repast cooked by your dutiful wife, that you and she could while away the hours, composing ever more difficult levels to challenge one-another. What finer way could you spend your time?

All in all, I am firm in my conviction that N+ should be purchased by every God-fearing and loyal Englishman, and to hell with those cowards who shy from it’s challenge, for they are surely as low in moral fibre as any drunken Irish you may find begging on the streets.

God save the Queen.

9/10

Slow news day causes journalists to question worth.

Yesterdays “International Slow News Day” left journalists to question their station in life as the crushing worthlessness of their lives became unavoidable.

In an interview, DPoT site creator ‘pjmaybe’  said; “Yesterday I went for a walk, and I found this dead bird on the ground, and I thought that was just like life, you know? So I took it home and sat in the shower with it, stroking its little head for hours and hours.”

Other DPoT staff used their time  in other ways. ‘Uncle M’aiq’ joined a local production of ‘West Side Story’ as leader of the Jets, ‘Riff’.
‘Wrong’ found himself incarcerated for horse-theft, ‘thesaint’ died from a heroin overdose, but was revived by the emergency services, and satirical cartoonist ‘disusedgenius’ was killed by Islamic extremists for drawing a man with a beard.
‘Universal Hamster’ was unable to comment objectively, as he is the one writing this, but he did add that; “My colleagues have always been a bunch of sick freaks.”

Universal Hamster is currently being sought by police in connection with an underground bestiality ring.

Microsoft introduce gamerpoints to Zune

Microsoft today announced their new strategy for the iPod rivalling Zune player.
“We allow the user to tie their gamertag to the device, and give a thousand gamerpoints to be unlocked. Its gonna be SO sweet!” Said a spokesman.

Microsoft revealed this partial achievement list exclusively to DPoT:

Barry Manilow Collector: Own all studio and live albums by Barry Manilow - 10G
Mullet Man: Own at least one Billy Ray Cyrus album - 20G
What was I thinking?: Own 1 single by Vengaboys, listen to it only once in a space of five years - 10G
Prodi-Gheeee: Listened to The Prodigy’s “Voodoo People” for 4 hours on a loop while off tits on acid -5G
Trendy but doesn’t actually like music: Own albums by Coldplay, Nickelback & Arctic Monkeys - 10G
What is this Emo shit?: Own a My Chemical Romance album -5G
A god with horns: Listened to Boards of Canada’s “You could feel the sky” backwards - 5G
Hallelujah!: Met and traded with another person who actually owns a Zune as well - 75G

The next-gen Zune will also feature a Britney Spears death-clock, though Microsoft say the feature will be dropped it the new Zune is delayed by anything over three months.