Wii Slob - A new gaming lifestyle choice

For years, gaming has been the sport of choice for couch potatoes. With the advent of the Nintendo Wii, the once innocent and harmless pastime of laying full length on a sweat-stained filthy sofa in your underpants twiddling your thumbs listlessly while manipulating yet another video game avatar through a soulless game has been eschewed in favour of physical exercise, jigging about like a mentalist, and pretending that the Wiimote actually does accurately reflect your on-screen Mii’s physical exertions.

As the antithesis to Wii Fit, Chimpcock Studios has announced Wii Slob, an exclusive title developed solely for the new Wii peripheral, the Wii Pants. Slide these filth-encrusted babies on, and you can control Wii Slob’s main character, Charlie Bonce, through over 2000 levels of degrading self-debasing gameplay.

DPOT were given an exclusive sneak preview of Wii Slob. In a dimly lit room at Chimpcock studios that stank of a combination of stale nicotine, urine and fecal impactions we slid on our Wii Pants and played through the first few levels of the game.

Level 1 involves trying to take a piss through an inadequately sized underpant vent in a pair of mustard-coloured Millets Y Fronts. Successfully slipping “the chap” out through the flap warrants rewards, points and a special little cup. Failure means mouldy shoes and a rusty fly zip.

Level 2 was even better. Due to the sensitivity of the Wii Pants controller, you must slide the Wii Pants down in order to lay a log of immense magnitude in a series of pristine ceramic toilets. Bonus points are given based on the grade, length, girth and flotation of your log. Manipulate the Wii Pants incorrectly and you end up decorating the entire toilet wall with runny brown pebble dash.

Wii Slob is expected to outsell Wii Fit, doesn’t take up as much room in your junk cupboard once you realise you are a fat apathetic piece of crap who is about as likely to use a videogame to get fit as they are likely to pass up that last slice of bacon pizza.

Wii Slob - by Chimpcock Studios retails for $49.99 in the US and £249.99 in the UK.

Man in Cave - “GTAwhatnow?”

With great diligence and perserverance, we’ve managed to track down the one person on the planet who knows nothing about GTA IV, has never heard of Rockstar Games and has absolutely no fucking interest whatsoever in the game, gamers, gaming, or gammon.

Mr Professor Charlie Bungalow, 96, of The Cave, Heckmondswycke Recreational Grounds, Middleofnowheresville professed to having “no knowledge whatsoever” of the upcoming blockbuster million selling guaranteed 10 out of 10 game Grand Theft Auto Four.

In a candid interview, with the promise of booze and ciggies we managed to winkle a couple of quotes out of him before he drank himself to sleep, urinating and defecating himself several times in the process.

“Whafugging Grant Fess autoerotica?” he mumbled, reaching out to us - we’d like to think - with the pleading arms of a frightened child.

“Whofuckreyouanyway, geddoffmybed!” he added, before lurching forward, losing his balance and accidentally nutting one of our crack reporters, Mr Wrong, right in the nadbags.

Rockstar Games have since contacted us to find out the whereabouts of Mr Professor Bungalow, hoping to secure him for future advertising revenue based on getting the words “Grand Theft Auto IV, it’s fuggin’ great!” across his bare shite-encrusted arse before parading him round the country on the back of an open topped bus, mooning the tattoo-ad at the crowds below.

We wish Mr Professor Bungalow well in the weeks to come as he’s likely to miss the forthcoming gaming apocalypse triggered by GTA Mania, and the downfall of society as the game’s intense criminal-inducing action bites home on our addict-glands like a goat with a hard on.

Molyneux dribbles on some more about Fable 2

In an effort to get inside his head, and find out just what makes the Molyvirus tick, we invited him to DPOT Towers (now situated above a betting shop in Purley) for an informal interview.

In a blaze of light, and a noise like the startup sequence of some divine games console, The Molyvirus arrived in a white Rolls Royce Silver Shadow, accompanied by his minion - a gestalt entity constructed from various hacked off body parts of programmers the Molyvirus has previously trodden underfoot.

“So tell us about Fable 2″ we asked, brewing up a cup of DPOT Tea (the special kind with one or two roofees slipped into the mix, just in case our interviewees don’t play ball).

“AH! Fable 2, my second most favourite subject…after talking about myself of course!” rumbled the Molyvirus. “Fable 2 will transcend every genre in gaming. You don’t just merely play Fable 2, Fable 2 cleverly undoes your trousers, slides itself into your undergarments and makes you multiple orgasm before you’ve even gained your first achievement. It’s that good, trust me”

We shifted uncomfortably in our seats at the prospect of being date-raped by a video game but pressed on.

“So what is Fable 2’s kink? What would sell it to me above any other RPG game?”

At the mention of “RPG” the Molyvirus turned grey and started to rumble, a distant rumble like an approaching monsoon or the first grumblings of a volcanic explosion.

“RPG! How the fuck dare you!” screamed the Molyvirus, lightning erupting from his fingertips. “This is no mere role playing game. Fable 2 is life itself, encapsulated on a DVD, spun folded and mutilated by your 360, and served up hot and steaming like primordial love soup”.

“So, er…care to elaborate on that?” we nervously asked.

“Well there are so many secret bits I’m not allowed to talk about” he giggled coquettishly, patting our knees in turn. “But because I’m a filthy gossipy old attention whore I’ll let you in on the secret. You know the lark? Well there’s a lark in the game…we’ve accurately modelled the lark’s tears so that they fall using an intricately woven piece of chaos mathematics so complex that your 360 will actually need to become a hive mind with other networked 360s throughout the world in order to just render each teardrop.”

We mused on this piece of information for a second.

“Will the player notice that though? I mean does it become an integral part of the player’s quest?”

The Molyvirus flicked us a disdainful look of contempt. “Course they will dear boy, in fact we’re banking on it because it’ll help distract them from the fucking awful V-Synch problems, chronic slowdown and texture tearing we…er…we forgot to bugtest out of the game. Hey ho, them’s the dice and that’s how they fall. “

The Molyvirus then kissed us all messily on the lips, shouted “Toodle Pip” in a fey voice, and departed in a cloud of smug self-congratulation.

Fable 2 is out this year. Apparently it’s going to blow you.

96% of Gamer Cosplayers “do it for the chix”

In an independent survey, a whopping 96% of videogame cosplayers admitted that “they dressed up purely for the chix”. At a recent videogaming convention in Tooth Falls, Nebraska, DPOT reporters infiltrated the event dressed as Sonic, Mario and that bloke with the big sword from Final Fantasy 7. After surreptitiously observing the parades and rituals associated with a convention / cosplay event we came to the following conclusions:

1) Fat women should not dress as any of the following: Lara Croft, Samus or Chun Li.

2) Men should not, under any circumstances, dress as Lara Croft, Samus or Princess Daisy. Chun Li is acceptable if thigh circumference exceeds 32 inches.

3) If by some slim chance you manage to ensnare a member of the opposite sex while dressed in videogaming cosplay, please remember to take adequate protection when copulating / coupling, to negate the risk that you might procreate and bring up a whole new generation of weirdos.

* Note - the other 4% of cosplayers admitted that they wore videogaming cosplay “to get fat nerdy boys hard so they can go back to their hotel rooms and scam their banking details”

The Byron Report - “It’s just statin’ the bleedin’ obvious, innit!” says Tanya

Government sweetheart and new spokesperson for the evil that is videogaming, Dr Tanya Byron picked up a cool 1.2 million pound payment cheque for The Byron Report - the new white paper showing how the nation’s children can be saved from the evils of videogaming.

Laughing all the way to the bank, Ms Byron, 44 gave an exclusive interview to Dead Pixels on Toast.

“It’s a bit bleedin’ obvious really” she said, through a mouthful of scottish shortcake crumbs and a rather sexy little cup of darjeeling. “I just put what I thought would sound good. I mean everyone’s sayin’ how I said to put age ratings on games like they are on films! Hah, look at your game boxes and they’re already there innit!”

She cackled, making us slightly uncomfortable but still determined to sneak a look down her top at her rather bounteous mammaries.

Ms Byron has been commissioned to write a follow-up report in a year’s time entitled “The Games Industry - How they want to harvest your organs and sell kittens to the chinese for medical experiments” which will shockingly make the suggestion that parents take responsibility for what their child is exposed to, and stop fiddling with their private parts while watching Judge Judy and Loose Women instead.

Apple admits it “Can’t think of a snappy name for our new handheld games console - Ahh f*ck it we’ll go with iGame…”

Eager not to repeat the mistakes made by Nokia with their Cornish-Pasty shaped N-Gage, Apple want to ensure that cool Apple kiddies the world over remain shiny eyed and rapturously in love with the company as they enter the portable games market for the second time.

“We just can’t think of a snappy name” said Steve “I’m going to show you my Winkle and you’re going to like it” Jobs, CEO and head spin doctor over at Apple’s plush Cupertino offices.

“We’ve filed a dozen patents, everything from Gamepod to iConsole but we’re fresh outa fuckin’ ideas if we’re honest. It’s probably going to end up as iGame or something equally crappy.”

Apple’s first ill-fated foray into the portable games market with the Apple iWii was ruthlessly upstaged by Nintendo back in 2006. Eager not to get caught out again, Apple are flooding the patent office with more applications than ever before.

“All we can tell you about it…” added Steve “Big” Jobs as a footnote “..is that no matter how rubbish it is, quite a lot of people will buy it just because we put our name on it. Hell, even our signature Developer Poo cast in anthracite sold like hot cakes. And we loves your money, we does…”

Rumours that EA have made a quiet “Phah!” noise in a derogatory fashion are as yet unconfirmed.

Nintendo DS replaces Gin for title of “Mother’s Ruin”

Being a ’soccer-mom’ is a full time job. The endless cycle of cooking, cleaning, shopping, school-runs and after school activities can cause stress that all adds up. The tradition remedy of a swift nip of neat liquor however is fast dying out, over-worked parents are turning towards technology. A recent study of relaxation methods in adults by Professor Joseph Elderbrecht of Missouri State Technical has shown that the Nintendo DS is becoming increasingly popular with a downward trend in alcoholism. Also on the decline were such wholesome activities as exercising pets, creative pursuits (arts and crafts) and sex. A further examination of the data revealed that it was mainly the puzzle games which had drawn the interest with various SuDoKu titles being the most popular.

This may seem like a benign or even beneficial shift in behaviour but investigation proves otherwise. We first talked to 7 year old Sandy Higgurtz, student at Elmtree Elementary and goal attack for the Elmtree Dynamos. “We took the end to the slurred speech as a good sign,” she begins, “but then we realised it was because she wasn’t speaking at all, she’s too busy with her DS. What’s worse she wasn’t even watching the road.” It’s not just Sandy’s mother who’s got the DS-bug, staff at the school can’t find any volunteers for the crossing guard now that the roads are so dangerous.

Problems don’t end with the school run either. Sports are affected too. “We just don’t get the support that we used too. The touchline just has our moms quietly scribbling away with their styluses,” and sandy recalls the pre-DS games, “There used to be yelling and cheering, which really helped. It got so exciting sometimes that mom would taunt and leer at the other team’s moms, other times she just pukes like I do at my friend’s birthday parties. That’s always a good sign of having fun.”

The shift doesn’t just affect immediate family, businesses and services suffer too. Joe Saliari, proprietor of Joe’s Booze Bin has had a hard time, “Business has dropped, I used to have weekly orders that I relied on but now all I have to rely on are frat parties and winos. I don’t even have the extra walk-in trade that comes at the end of a Parent-Teacher evening”, he laments, “I’m even ashamed to say that I pray for a large scale disaster to bring in the trade, my tills are empty, I’ve had to turn away 3 armed robbers this week.”

Across town at Elmtree Memorial Hospital the DS is also having an effect. “Our budgets are now completely infeasible,” cries Dr Eliah Woodwork, hospital director. “We’ve only just completed the George Best wing. It’s specially kitted out for all manner of alcohol related illnesses and we have the nation’s best liver transplant specialist on tenure.” Had Professor Elderbrecht released his findings earlier the hospital could have invested in automotive injuries and RSI physiotherapy, “We did the numbers first to pre-empt future patients but no-one predicted that the DS would cause this. I was so shocked at the study I had to calm myself down with a few hours of Picross.” Dr Woodwork still manages to find a silver lining though, “We will at least have the shortest transplant waiting list for livers, I guess. And we didn’t go for the new natal ward, pregnancies seem to be on the decline too.”

90% of all Mobile Phone games “bought accidentally”

Shocking figures from some of the major players in the Mobile Phone gaming industry were published today, revealing that almost 90% of mobile phones games were “bought accidentally”.

Figures suggest that “customer biological interface error” is to blame for most mobile phone game sales, and some customers complained to their local newspapers, watchdog and Oftwat mistakenly believing that their consumer rights were in some way protected.

The harsh reality is that most users are faced with an ever-increasing level of complexity in their handsets, and a market chock full of greedy grabby companies trying to foist their substandard product on people with more disposable income than sense.

“I didn’t do nuffink, but when I looked at my phone this mornin’ there was all this extra shit on it! I ended up with a Mobile Phone copy of Call of Duty 4 and it dun’t look nuffink like the adverts on telly or nuffink” John Cakebread, a typical contract phone customer said earlier.

“I just pressed the green call button, and then before I knew what day it was, I’d used up all my phone’s available memory on Tetris clones” another disgruntled customer, Miss Samantha Agapantha bleated to our reporters an hour ago in an imagined conversation. “It’s shocking the liberties these companies are taking with us!”

Meanwhile, the CEO of one of the biggest purveyors of mobile-filth-paraded-as-games Mr Christopher Jamster issued a statement.

“I’ve just bought a fucking gold plated helicopter! AND I CAN’T EVEN FLY ONE HAHAHAHAHAH!” he SMSed down the phone at us.