50-cheek combo - FIGHT!

Uncharted 2 had a plastic dagger, Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2 had a pair of perv-friendly night vision goggles designed to fit one of those plastic spastics society kid-shaped money collection boxes. Now Sega has jumped aboard the bandwagon by offering a selection of worthless gaming tat for its £60 special edition.

A sumptuous coffee table art book is included in the gigantic box, with various promotional and conceptual art renders showing off various characters including the titular heroine from the game.

There’s also a developer diary, detailing the trials and tribulations of bringing a successful new IP to the trickiest market in the world, the Japanese games market, and of course plenty of detail on why the main character looks like a bizarre cross between a giraffe, a librarian and an S & M supermodel.

There’s also a “Making of” DVD. Running for over 180 minutes, it goes into every exquisite detail of how 3D modellers spent over 5,800 man hours tweaking every triangle and curving every crevice of Bayonetta’s fantastic posterior.

Finally, not to be out-done by CODMW2’s plastic goggles, Sega will also bundle a plastic arse with the SE.

Let’s see the Home Delivery Network deliver that beauty unsquashed and untarnished.

Ey, where's the fucking Duty Free Wodka?

One seriously disturbing scene in newly released videogame “Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2″ has disgusted gamers and the general populace alike.

The scene, spoilerised below, is as follows:

You are recruited as a black ops CIA agent a bit like Jack Bauer but without a cool haircut. Infiltrating a terrorist cel, you’re forced to walk through a Russian airport, gunning down everyone in your path.

The most shocking part of the scene swiftly follows, as you realise that Infinity Ward are a lazy bunch of arseholes who couldn’t even be bothered to factor in proper collision detection, so most of the time you see other members of the terrorist cel often walking ankle deep in corpses, and passing right through them as they progress through the airport.

In today’s society, it’s sickening enough that we’re exposed on a daily basis to travesties of lazy programming but in this case, the imagery and complete knackering of immersion in the game beggards belief, and politicians should be lobbied as soon as possible to ensure that slack-arsed shit like this doesn’t happen again.

“I’ve been considering a shoot in a mens publication for a long time now. I mean why not, I’m an empowered young woman, confidant about my body!” says Selina Kyle with all the confidence you’d except from someone with nine lives.

The brief press conference hosted by FHM (who brokered the deal with Developer Traveller’s Tales and Kyle) to promote next months cover girl will certainly attract the gamer crowd and counter FRONT’s current strategy of putting girls in games.

“I’m all real too, there’s no plastic in these lines!” purred Catwoman as we left, she had a pretty nasty looking whip so who are we to argue?

An FHM spokesman refused to disclose the fee involved but its rumored to be over a million gold coins.

For years, gaming has been the sport of choice for couch potatoes. With the advent of the Nintendo Wii, the once innocent and harmless pastime of laying full length on a sweat-stained filthy sofa in your underpants twiddling your thumbs listlessly while manipulating yet another video game avatar through a soulless game has been eschewed in favour of physical exercise, jigging about like a mentalist, and pretending that the Wiimote actually does accurately reflect your on-screen Mii’s physical exertions.

As the antithesis to Wii Fit, Chimpcock Studios has announced Wii Slob, an exclusive title developed solely for the new Wii peripheral, the Wii Pants. Slide these filth-encrusted babies on, and you can control Wii Slob’s main character, Charlie Bonce, through over 2000 levels of degrading self-debasing gameplay.

DPOT were given an exclusive sneak preview of Wii Slob. In a dimly lit room at Chimpcock studios that stank of a combination of stale nicotine, urine and fecal impactions we slid on our Wii Pants and played through the first few levels of the game.

Level 1 involves trying to take a piss through an inadequately sized underpant vent in a pair of mustard-coloured Millets Y Fronts. Successfully slipping “the chap” out through the flap warrants rewards, points and a special little cup. Failure means mouldy shoes and a rusty fly zip.

Level 2 was even better. Due to the sensitivity of the Wii Pants controller, you must slide the Wii Pants down in order to lay a log of immense magnitude in a series of pristine ceramic toilets. Bonus points are given based on the grade, length, girth and flotation of your log. Manipulate the Wii Pants incorrectly and you end up decorating the entire toilet wall with runny brown pebble dash.

Wii Slob is expected to outsell Wii Fit, doesn’t take up as much room in your junk cupboard once you realise you are a fat apathetic piece of crap who is about as likely to use a videogame to get fit as they are likely to pass up that last slice of bacon pizza.

Wii Slob – by Chimpcock Studios retails for $49.99 in the US and £249.99 in the UK.

]]> http://deadpixelsontoast.wordpress.com/2008/04/18/wii-slob-a-new-gaming-lifestyle-choice/feed/ 0 pjmaybe Eat shit, watch TV, die lonely and smelling of wii http://deadpixelsontoast.wordpress.com/2008/04/16/man-in-cave-gtawhatnow/ http://deadpixelsontoast.wordpress.com/2008/04/16/man-in-cave-gtawhatnow/#comments Wed, 16 Apr 2008 14:13:19 +0000 pjmaybe http://deadpixelsontoast.wordpress.com/?p=143 ]]>

With great diligence and perserverance, we’ve managed to track down the one person on the planet who knows nothing about GTA IV, has never heard of Rockstar Games and has absolutely no fucking interest whatsoever in the game, gamers, gaming, or gammon.

Mr Professor Charlie Bungalow, 96, of The Cave, Heckmondswycke Recreational Grounds, Middleofnowheresville professed to having “no knowledge whatsoever” of the upcoming blockbuster million selling guaranteed 10 out of 10 game Grand Theft Auto Four.

In a candid interview, with the promise of booze and ciggies we managed to winkle a couple of quotes out of him before he drank himself to sleep, urinating and defecating himself several times in the process.

“Whafugging Grant Fess autoerotica?” he mumbled, reaching out to us – we’d like to think – with the pleading arms of a frightened child.

“Whofuckreyouanyway, geddoffmybed!” he added, before lurching forward, losing his balance and accidentally nutting one of our crack reporters, Mr Wrong, right in the nadbags.

Rockstar Games have since contacted us to find out the whereabouts of Mr Professor Bungalow, hoping to secure him for future advertising revenue based on getting the words “Grand Theft Auto IV, it’s fuggin’ great!” across his bare shite-encrusted arse before parading him round the country on the back of an open topped bus, mooning the tattoo-ad at the crowds below.

We wish Mr Professor Bungalow well in the weeks to come as he’s likely to miss the forthcoming gaming apocalypse triggered by GTA Mania, and the downfall of society as the game’s intense criminal-inducing action bites home on our addict-glands like a goat with a hard on.

In an effort to get inside his head, and find out just what makes the Molyvirus tick, we invited him to DPOT Towers (now situated above a betting shop in Purley) for an informal interview.

In a blaze of light, and a noise like the startup sequence of some divine games console, The Molyvirus arrived in a white Rolls Royce Silver Shadow, accompanied by his minion – a gestalt entity constructed from various hacked off body parts of programmers the Molyvirus has previously trodden underfoot.

“So tell us about Fable 2″ we asked, brewing up a cup of DPOT Tea (the special kind with one or two roofees slipped into the mix, just in case our interviewees don’t play ball).

“AH! Fable 2, my second most favourite subject…after talking about myself of course!” rumbled the Molyvirus. “Fable 2 will transcend every genre in gaming. You don’t just merely play Fable 2, Fable 2 cleverly undoes your trousers, slides itself into your undergarments and makes you multiple orgasm before you’ve even gained your first achievement. It’s that good, trust me”

We shifted uncomfortably in our seats at the prospect of being date-raped by a video game but pressed on.

“So what is Fable 2’s kink? What would sell it to me above any other RPG game?”

At the mention of “RPG” the Molyvirus turned grey and started to rumble, a distant rumble like an approaching monsoon or the first grumblings of a volcanic explosion.

“RPG! How the fuck dare you!” screamed the Molyvirus, lightning erupting from his fingertips. “This is no mere role playing game. Fable 2 is life itself, encapsulated on a DVD, spun folded and mutilated by your 360, and served up hot and steaming like primordial love soup”.

“So, er…care to elaborate on that?” we nervously asked.

“Well there are so many secret bits I’m not allowed to talk about” he giggled coquettishly, patting our knees in turn. “But because I’m a filthy gossipy old attention whore I’ll let you in on the secret. You know the lark? Well there’s a lark in the game…we’ve accurately modelled the lark’s tears so that they fall using an intricately woven piece of chaos mathematics so complex that your 360 will actually need to become a hive mind with other networked 360s throughout the world in order to just render each teardrop.”

We mused on this piece of information for a second.

“Will the player notice that though? I mean does it become an integral part of the player’s quest?”

The Molyvirus flicked us a disdainful look of contempt. “Course they will dear boy, in fact we’re banking on it because it’ll help distract them from the fucking awful V-Synch problems, chronic slowdown and texture tearing we…er…we forgot to bugtest out of the game. Hey ho, them’s the dice and that’s how they fall. “

The Molyvirus then kissed us all messily on the lips, shouted “Toodle Pip” in a fey voice, and departed in a cloud of smug self-congratulation.

Fable 2 is out this year. Apparently it’s going to blow you.

The only existing picture of EA’s Volcano Base. Many Bothans died to bring us this image.

Electronic Arts have been no stranger to ruffling the feathers of the gaming community peacock. One of it’s recent activities, namely the plan to charge extra for weapons in the upcoming “Battlefield – Bad Company” was the subject of a successful boycott, but now, with the astonishing price of the PAL version of “Rock Band”, EA appear to be drawing a line in the sand.

We got confirmation of this just today, as development manager Greg LoPiccolo of Harmonix, (The once cool but now corporate whore creators of Guitar Hero) told us his game is “not magically going to get cheaper because you wish it to be so.” EA, no doubt trying to re-assert its authority in the politio-gaming sphere, are clearly making this their crossing of the Rubicon, their invasion of Poland. The only question is what do we, as gamers do now?

We at DPoT are the first site to come to a clear and unanimous decision, and the time for petitions and protest is over. We shall be leading an assault on EA’s underground lair of evil, (Pictured above) on Saturday the 19th of April, and need every able-bodied gamer, (We are aware that may not include many of you, so ask your friends and family to come along too!) and we also encourage you to bring your own packed lunch.

To those worried about our chances of success, General Peej has already outlined a full-proof strategy. I cannot divulge too much about it because I was asleep for most of the briefing, but I do seem to remember him mentioning; “Wave upon wave of my own men to choke the enemy with our dead.” so that sounds suitably militaristic, and I can assure you he has played many games of Command & Conquer, so he is up to date with all the latest battle techniques from the future.

Onward to victory!

Film and television has long influenced popular fashion and it seems now games are getting their time in the spotlight.  Since the games release late last year sales of full size diving suits have been climbing steadily and now popular fashion magazines such as Vogue are starting to take notice.

“Fashion isn’t about practicality it’s about looking great.” Vogue deputy fashion editor Pippa Barnes-Clark-Wallace told DPoT yesterday.  “So what if it takes me three hours to travel two tube stops to work everyone notices me and that’s what matters.”

The diving suits were first shown at Milan fashion week with later appearances in London and Paris as the media circus surrounding them grew.  Some high end boutiques have reported people camping out for up to three days before stock were due to arrive in order to secure an outfit.  Rumours have been circulating that Primark are working on their own suit expected to retail at a bargain £29.99 but when approached by DPoT they refused to comment.

In an independent survey, a whopping 96% of videogame cosplayers admitted that “they dressed up purely for the chix”. At a recent videogaming convention in Tooth Falls, Nebraska, DPOT reporters infiltrated the event dressed as Sonic, Mario and that bloke with the big sword from Final Fantasy 7. After surreptitiously observing the parades and rituals associated with a convention / cosplay event we came to the following conclusions:

1) Fat women should not dress as any of the following: Lara Croft, Samus or Chun Li.

2) Men should not, under any circumstances, dress as Lara Croft, Samus or Princess Daisy. Chun Li is acceptable if thigh circumference exceeds 32 inches.

3) If by some slim chance you manage to ensnare a member of the opposite sex while dressed in videogaming cosplay, please remember to take adequate protection when copulating / coupling, to negate the risk that you might procreate and bring up a whole new generation of weirdos.

* Note – the other 4% of cosplayers admitted that they wore videogaming cosplay “to get fat nerdy boys hard so they can go back to their hotel rooms and scam their banking details”