Eugh, the back is covered in pork grease

Nintendo still hasn’t finished with the Nintendo DS. Flushed with the success of the DSi and DSi XL in Japan and Europe, The Big N has plans for the DSi XXXL exclusively tailored for the US market.

Available in just one colour, the same colour as used cooking grease, the DSi XXXL’s screen is a whopping 6ft by 4ft and can cook burgers if the lid is closed on them. The stylus has been remodelled to give fat junk-food-fed fingers a fighting chance at gripping it instead of dropping it clumsily on the floor of White Castle or Nandos.

A special subset of popular games will be exclusively designed for the DSi XXXL. Super Mario Crisco Kart gives rotund players the chance to skid, swerve and slide round tracks covered in lard while Zelda: The Lost Doughnut sees an overweight Link squeezing into an ill-fitting cosplay costume with a large urine stain down the front in a quest to attend a convention and get photographed by as many bloggers as possible.

The DSi XXXL will cost about the same as a Dairy Queen Family Selection Box.

You moved your hand, that'll be five hunnert bucks, dawg

Showcasing the tech at the Consumer Electronics Show in America, Microsoft has been rather bullish about Project Natal’s extremely accurate motion detection.

“This system offers a distinct advantage over other lesser motion-control systems. It can filter individual limb movement, can tell which pocket you keep your money in, and even read your card details through your clothing”.

Microsoft’s aim is to make Natal pay for itself within the first year, mainly by automating the whole game-buying process. Now you won’t even have to move your arm to grab your card, before punching your details into an on-screen input form. Natal will take care of business, debit your account automatically and deliver a whole bunch of tedious motion-controlled games straight to your machine before you can say “What the shitting fuck!?”

“We’re not stopping there either” said Steve Ballmer, head of Microsoft’s newly founded “Suckerborneveryminute” section. “Natal’s powerful enough to look down to see if you have a Wii or PS3 under your television. If it sees one, it’ll go into “teenage sulk” mode, close down with a black screen and play Vampire Weekend tunes at you until you remove the offending consoles”.

Sign us up.

They eat it like we eat sherbet

The Australian Board of Nannystate Banhammerisms has put the kybosh on the next Pippa Funnel horse riding game, stating “difficulties in the comfortable classification and passing of any game featuring a woman with an unhealthy interest in ponies”.

The ABNB (known as “BAN!B” down under) have recently refused Aliens VS Predator classification on the basis of the extreme violence found within the game. Other notable releases of 2009 also got scuppered from sale in the land of vegemite sandwiches, causing gamers in Australia to consider importing games from the Eurasian continent instead.

Meanwhile, several publishers are looking to sanitize their games to try and comply with the ABNB’s harsh and stringent censorship standards. Rockstar’s “The Ballad of Gay Tony” will be renamed “The Ballad of Happy Tony” and will end abruptly after the first disco dance in the opening scenes set in a Liberty City nightclub. “Assassin’s Creed 2″ will be renamed “An Italian in Venice”, and will merely show the Assassin’s Creed logo on a white background for ten seconds before offering the player all the game’s achievements, then skipping straight to the end credits.

Bayonetta? Ahhh fuck it, they’re not even going to try.

Erik Estavillo in younger times

Professional gaming plaintiff Erik Estavillo won’t be suing Activision over injuries reportedly sustained during a preview session on Tony Hawk: RIDE.

Estavillo, 13, has previously pursued class action lawsuits against several big companies including Microsoft (because his 360 broke down), Blizzard (because a World of Warcraft addiction led to the break up of his relationship with his imaginary girlfriend Cindi), Sony (for banning him for smacktalking during Resistance: Call of Man multiplayer sessions) and Nintendo (for pretending that the Wii was a games console).

Estavillo states that he could not realistically win a claim against Activision because at 32 stone, he weighs a little in excess of the reported 300lbs weight limit for the RIDE balance board.

“Besides” added Estavillo as an afterthought, “it’d be a bit greedy really.”

Mmm! Toasty!

“It was almost as if someone at Microsoft flipped a switch and torched it!” said a heartbroken Gaspode Smaug-Baschtod, telling the tale of woe regarding his original launch-day-bought Xbox 360. On the stroke of midnight on the 4th anniversay of the console’s public launch, Mr Smaug-Baschtod’s 360 started to smoulder before flames erupted from the top, filling his poky little bedsit with foul-smelling plastic smoke.

Only days before, Mr Smaug-Baschtod had been happily crowing about the fact that most of his friends and colleagues had returned at least 2-3 consoles each while his launch model soldiered on without scratching his disks, red-ringing or otherwise misbehaving.

Microsoft refused to make an official statement on the spontaneous combustion, but were quietly surprised that this original launch model had lasted so long. Apparently built by an assembly line worker on a friday afternoon just before he was due to be laid within an inch of his life by his long-term hold-out girlfriend, the stricken Xbox is now enjoying a free holiday in Germany courtesy of Bill and the boys.

Janice shortly before popping down to Gamestop's midnight L4D2 Launch

A woman has been brutally stomped to death after unwittingly turning up to a Left for Dead 2 Launch Party at her local Gamestop wearing an oatmeal face mask.

Janice Rumbold, 32 from Cockermouth, struggled through floods and gales to attend the launch in order to secure a copy of the game for her boyfriend Lars Pinhole. A group of 10 youths apparently mistook her for a roaming undead after she’d allegedly asked them if they’d “ever tried Brains Faggots”.

The sorry chain of events ended in the tragic monkey-punching of Janice who was pronounced undead at the scene.

Meanwhile, Gamestop sold £1200 quid’s worth of the game to hungry punters later on in the evening.

Pucker up, torrent monkey, it's hot-poker-up-the-jacksy time!

Pirates and torrenters are scurrying into dark chasms of fear tonight as the UK government plans for a Pirate-Finder-General have been unveiled, with Lord Peter Mandleson appointed as the first PFG.

The Pirate Finder General will be given appropriate powers to deal with those who wilfully infringe copyright including:

1) Being able to sneak into their house and take a dump in their computer’s DVD ROM or CD ROM Drive

2) Culling of the first born of any pirates / torrenters who bear young

3) Drawing a big red X in dripping paint on people’s front doors

4) Running down hills in force 9 gales, with cape billowing in the wind, roaring at the top of their voice

Other countries are looking towards similar measures to combat piracy, which has got completely out of control and has been very naughty since the invention of the Internet by George A. Intzarnecht in 1886.

A sexy DS pirate, yesterday

After attempting to cajole DS owners into grassing up R4 sellers and distributors, Nintendo has opted for the alternative tactic of “wagging a finger and saying ‘NO’ in a very stern voice” at DS pirates who have now shifted their focus to the DSi.

Nintendo’s security strategy has been to ensure that each and every model of DS is fully pirate-friendly, and the DSi is no exception. Sexy lady pirates like the one pictured above are falling over themselves to download copies of the Brain Training ROM rather than shelling out 2o of the queen’s finest pounds for the privilege of improving their grey matter.

Nintendo has also announced that if the finger wagging and stern voice doesn’t work, they’re going to start a leafletting campaign, an online boycotting blog of notable R4 and pirate flash card sellers before informing them that “they won’t be their bestest friends any more”

Kotick, gimme the casshhhhh!

Activision have had it all their own way for too long. After an extensive survey, 10 gagillion gamers who asked their moms have put together a Guild of Gamers who will monetize their playing time, charging companies for every hour of their own time they spend playing that company’s games.

World of Warcraft Player Sutekh the Third said yesterday “Fuck paying for dat shit. I’m givin’ up mah own time, mah own hours and dat shit don’t come cheap so Imma gonna let Activision finish, and imma gonna charge those fuckaz for my time!”

A slightly more cogent Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 player who goes by the gamertag “Sexwomble” added “We’ve heard a lot about charging gamers for multiplayer, charging gamers for extra levels and content but nothing about how companies are going to redeem us for the hours we spend playing their stuff. I’ve got other stuff I could be doing after all, and it’s unfair of games companies to expect to get my time for free.”

A spokesman for Activision, purveyor of addictive binary nonsense claimed that “This could break the industry. By late 2010 we could all be going back to an era where everything’s available on cassette, and development teams end up being dissapated down to just a couple of stinky B.O – smelling guys working in their mother’s basement on games”

We took some time out of our busy schedule to nab an interview with Edge Games’ Tim Langdell, putting to him some of the questions DPoT readers came up with.

DPoT: “Tim, why are you such a cunt?”

Tim Langdell: ” Er…what?”

Next week: Bobby Kotick, CEO of Activision