Anne Diamond puts Mario Kart Wii against GTA

Celebrity Fit Club cheat, Diet Pill Popper and ex McDonalds haunter Anne Diamond writes a regular column on the evils of videogaming for the Daily Mirror. We thought we’d wheel her bloated fat face into Toast Towers to let her play two of the latest games on the market, and get her expert opinion on them

After going out for takeaways twice, and feeding her big lardy wazin with chelsea buns and tea we managed to get her to sit near enough to the console to get her game on. First up, GTA IV.

“I can’t believe there isn’t an Aldi in Liberty City. I got into my car and drove around the block, taking great care to stop at the red traffic lights – slightly annoyed that there were no indicators or correct motoring signages to take note of, and some FUCKING TUNELESS CUNT came straight out of a side road and sideswiped my car.

That was it, I saw red. I put my foot down, caught the moronic wanker up, dragged him from his car kicking and screaming and bathed, Countess Bathory style, in his rich juicy giblets.  No fucker messes with Anne’s ride”

We calmed her down enough to assuage her with Rich Tea biscuits and a cheeky cup of Liptons Tea before she started in on Mario Kart Wii:

“Oh my god. Oh the depravity. Lurid beast men driving karts depicted as apes of the jungle, dinosaurs and mustachioed porn-star look alikes. The one token female character is forced again and again to take bananas up her exhaust pipe, while other characters in the game gleefully cheer and sing filthy sea shanties. After half an hour with Mario Kart Wii I felt so dirty, so debased that I had to dash from the building and immediately fellate a passing tramp.”

So there you have it folks. If there’s one game you purchase for little Timmy in the next few weeks, make it GTA IV. Otherwise they’ll only get the living shit beaten out of them at school.

GTA 4: Criminals Unsure

“It’s just too easy, whacking a guy like that, you know, it takes guts, like Jimmy Scuportini, now killing him was no easy matter, I had an internal debate, and yet they make it like some Polak can walse into this country and boom, bamm, shoot everybody!”

I’m tempted to mention Nico Bellic isn’t from Poland and Polak could be one of those newly offensive words but the guy has just confessed to a murder, I’ve only got $800 of chips left, ‘Lefty’ still has my passport and I need to make six grand by the end of the night or I’ll not live to see Rockstars Opus launch.

“Still, I have high hopes for Mafia, even if I don’t agree with the title! My Brothers son works for them, good kid. You know, loyal, got my boy one of them X-Boxes for Christmas.”

The C&VG journalist across from me mutters something about press junkets being too serious these days… a pair of three’s, read ‘em and weep!

The Byron Report – “It’s just statin’ the bleedin’ obvious, innit!” says Tanya

Government sweetheart and new spokesperson for the evil that is videogaming, Dr Tanya Byron picked up a cool 1.2 million pound payment cheque for The Byron Report – the new white paper showing how the nation’s children can be saved from the evils of videogaming.

Laughing all the way to the bank, Ms Byron, 44 gave an exclusive interview to Dead Pixels on Toast.

“It’s a bit bleedin’ obvious really” she said, through a mouthful of scottish shortcake crumbs and a rather sexy little cup of darjeeling. “I just put what I thought would sound good. I mean everyone’s sayin’ how I said to put age ratings on games like they are on films! Hah, look at your game boxes and they’re already there innit!”

She cackled, making us slightly uncomfortable but still determined to sneak a look down her top at her rather bounteous mammaries.

Ms Byron has been commissioned to write a follow-up report in a year’s time entitled “The Games Industry – How they want to harvest your organs and sell kittens to the chinese for medical experiments” which will shockingly make the suggestion that parents take responsibility for what their child is exposed to, and stop fiddling with their private parts while watching Judge Judy and Loose Women instead.

Cannibal Corpse arrives on Singstore

Cheeky death-metal scamps Cannibal Corpse are the latest act to arrive on Sony’s Singstore.  The Buffalo – based band are said to be delighted with their new deal to bring three of their hits from the 1991 album “Butchered at Birth”. The tracks you will be getting your tonsils round are the title track, “Butchered at Birth”,  “Vomit the Soul” and of course, “Meat Hook Sodomy”.

Next week on the Singstore sees the release of Samwell’s classic “What What”.

Boon-Ga Boon-Ga “Coming to Wii, DS” says Nintendo…

Japanese Arcade CEO Shimmyshammy Mizuno playing the Wii version yesterday

 Controversial Japanese arcade classic Boon-Ga Boon-Ga (Japanese for “Where did you hide that tube of fruit pastilles I gave you earlier?”) is coming to Wii and DS, according to an industry spokesman yesterday.

Shimmyshammy Mizuno, CEO of “Gore Blimey Games and military satellite Company” announced that the game will be slightly reworked in order to make the best of the two Nintendo platforms.

 ”With the DS the conversion is pretty straightforward. Players will winkle oddments of flotsam and jetsam from a series of game character’s arses using the stylus. Bonus points will also be given if the player gently blows on the microphone to calm the in-game character down during this delicate procedure”.

The Wii version proved to be a bit more of a challenge. “It’s like going through Airport Security and trying not to catch the eye of the guy with the fat fingers” said Mizuno. “With the Wiimote, we wanted to replicate the experience of having your dartford tunnel ferreted about with as accurately as possible, so we have invented a wipe clean hygenic sleeve that pops over the Wiimote before it is introduced to the anal tract”

Multiplayer on Wii will be the first game in the console’s history that has genuine cause for health and safety concerns, particularly ahead of the game’s US release where thousands and thousands of americans will probably get carried away and try to stuff at least ten Wiimotes up each other’s arses before common sense kicks in and they contact their lawyers in order to proceed with a successful lawsuit.

There is as yet no word about a UK / European release but top ego and celeb fatface Chris Moyles is said to be “intensely interested” in the game, and was quoted as saying “I’ll probably stop playing COD 4 like a no life fatman if this arrives.”

Exclusive GTA IV Multiplayer Preview

It’s not often that any one news source gets the sole opportunity of an extended playtest of such an anticipated game, especially a new site such as DPoT, but it seems our reputation for unflinching, detailed and fearless reporting has paid off.
It all started when Peej called me into his office for a meeting.
“Look,” I started, “I already told you, I don’t know who keeps stealing from the sanitary bin in the women’s toilet…”
He cut me off with a wave of his hand, and said: “Rockstar have called, they’re giving us an exclusive preview of the game’s multiplayer and downloadable content. Everyone else is away in Brussels covering the 2008 Dairy Produce in Games Conference, and my cat has the flu. I have no choice but to send you.”

With that, I was off to another adventure, this time to the small town of New York, so remote that it is only accessible by an eight hour journey in an aeroplane. This was all fairly uneventful, a nice man gave me a package to take to his friends in the New York airport, on the plane they very kindly gave me a meal, (which, in fairness, could have been better) bid me watch one of their many televisions, and even let me sleep.

Rockstar president Stan Houser met me at the airport with a limousine, and said he was taking me to dinner to talk about what I would be seeing the next day. I was immediately worried by this, did he have some sort of ulterior motive? I decided I wouldn’t drink and keep an eye out for any advances.
After this, conversation was strained, but I told him I was tired after my journey. Later we dined in my hotel, the Trump International, and I had something very nice with a French name that I cant remember. During the meal, Houser told me about the features of the multiplayer side of GTA IV in detail, I tried to listen, but I was worried that the other diners might think we were an item, so I loudly tutted and rolled my eyes at what he was saying to make sure everyone got the message.

After Houser left, I went out for a walk, taking in the night air, and seeing a little of the city. Clearly this “New” York was much different from the York I knew. The buildings seemed taller than even the DPoT tower, and I guessed that New York must be a great deal bigger than I had suspected, perhaps even twice the size of Woking. Several times I was begged at for money, once by a highly motivated young man with a knife. To him I gave the most generously, because I could tell that he must be pretty desperate to get himself so worked up as to actually threaten someone’s life. I wandered on, now without any money or shoes, and I started to feel somewhat dejected. I peered in the windows of sex-shops and wished I had not given away all the spending money I was allowed by Peej, so I could enjoy a lap-dance or take in a saucy puppet-show. In my loneliness, I started to think of Stan’s earlier advances, and how neat his little beard was. Had I been too rash in rebuffing him? Could I not have at least given it a try?

In sorrow and more homesick than I had ever been before, I walked back to the Hotel, and crawled into bed. I woke under the same bleak depression I had been before, and when the phone rang to tell me the car was waiting to bring me to the playtest, I ignored it, and spent the rest of the day under the duvet, just wanting to go home. Only when it was time to make my way to the airport did I rise, and spent the rest of the journey in floods of tears, desperate to see my fair green land of home once more.

In summary, I’m sure GTA IV will be really great, I mean, that’s what you want to hear, isn’t it?

Killzone 2 to have 400% more kittens

With Phil Harrison’s departure from Sony for Infogrames on February 25th of this year Kaz Hirai, President and Group CEO of SCEI, assumed his responsibilities as president of SCEE, in addition to his current duties.

So far the take over has happened without issue until late Sunday night when an anonymous Guerrilla Games developer spoke of his concerns.

“You don’t know what’s going happen next, we’re all on tender hooks, he bursts in waving and flashing the peace sign at everyone and then demands ‘400% more kittens in Killzone 2!’, we were speechless.”

And rightly so, this pixel doesn’t like turn based gaming!

Thompson to “Sue those bastards at DeadPixelsOnToast”

It’s true. We got in this morning and there sitting on the welcome mat just inside the front door of DPOT Towers was a writ. And in that writ was the following text:

To Whom It May Concern…

Dear Stinkturds.

I am Jack Thompson, representing the interests and trademarks of Jack Thompson Industries.

Following your so called spoof article entitled “Thompson to “Sue those bastards at DeadPixelsOnToast” I have decided to get in touch with my lawyer (ie me) and pursue litigation. When I spoke to myself in the mirror earlier I encouraged myself to sue you because you have made the following character defamations against both my good name and my lawyer’s good name.

1) You said I called you a bastard. I did not sir. I did not cast aspersions on your parentage at all. The use of foul language like “Bastard” even when describing a screwdriver or hammer is beneath me thus I call contempt.

2) You said my mother smelled of wee. She does not sir. My mother, Agnes Thompson is a fragrant and upstanding member of the international law community. She often sits on the bench in cases of great importance and afterwards I put her back under that huge pile of coal in the basement while parading around in her clothes and faking her voice.

3) You said that I was working for Rockstar Games. How dare you fucking DARE to associate me with those cum guzzling shit raddled fecal impactions on legs, those squirrel stools, those cheetah fanny-batter munching cock smuggling arse redeemers, those aardvark fuckers! They’re not fit to lick the urine splatters from the back of my toilet bowl. I WILL KILL THEM ALL (at this point in the letter the writing became slightly indistinct and in most places was replaced with red crayon inscriptions saying “REDRUMROCKSTAR”

4) What’s wrong with my choice of clothing? I’ll have you know this was tailored by Hawkes of Saville Row you shitstained monkeypunchers!

The letter from Thompson went on for another ten pages, and was signed at the bottom.

Love and Kisses

Jack “Neat little vest with the buckles on the back” Thompson.

We would like to go on record at this point by offering Thompson a place within our organisation, so long as he ups his beverage-making game…

Gamerpics, Themes and Icons…but hang on where’s the game?

You’ve done it so many times. Logged into the Xbox Live Marketplace, checked out “What’s new” and seen a bunch of game names there you don’t recognise. “Cool” you say in a reedy nerd voice laced with processed cheese and cheap supermarket cola. “New games = new nerd tricks, right?”

Ker-WRONG! You click on the link and lo and behold it’s another fucking gamer picture, theme or some other piece of worthless witchety-grub raddled filth that the games publisher wants to charge you 150 of your hard earned points for.

EA Marketplace Content Executive Milton Freund (Pictured above jockeying a particularly large sausage at an EA Staffers-only bash that we managed to infiltrate by dressing as dorks) is adamant that this kind of marketing pays for itself, and really does help promote a game.

“Take our upcoming title “Genital Wart Shooter Underground” – now the total PR spend allowed on the title is about 75 pence. We could go the Rockstar route and just tell everyone that it’s the game paedophiles play, thus getting it banned and sending its online sales curve stratospheric. But no, we choose to play the game properly, we release a gamer pic and a theme, charge a premium for gamers to promote OUR games by using OUR icons and themes on THEIR consoles, and everyone’s happy!”

Freund is also in charge of EA’s latest marketing project – to put EA branded game characters and themes onto everything from feminine hygiene products, to loo roll, to cat litter trays.

“It’ll work, trust me! Think of the satisfaction as you ease out a glistening long curly and slightly fragrant log onto the face of John Madden – or better still, wipe the seepage from the end of your knob after a great session with some scrubber you picked up in a nightclub on a tissue emblazoned with the Burnout logo! We’re not content for it to just be “in the game”, we now want it inside you. In all of you. All day, every day.”

At this point in the interview, Milton started fitfully fiddling with his private parts so we made our excuses and left before they went off.

New EA song betrays future ambitions…

We’re through with standin’ in line
To snaffle Midnight Club
We’re at the bottom of the barrel
And we’re nowhere near a pub
Till we own all the gamers
We’re not where we wanted to be
(Tell us what you want)

I want a software house with a
Billion dollar IP
So we can run ‘em underground
And say “tee hee hee”
But we’re only willing to pay about ten new pee
(Yeah, so tell us what you need)

We need an ad campaign that’s got no limit
And to coax Jack Thompson to co-star in it

Gonna turn the Daily Mirror
seventy shades of green

–(Been there done that)–

We want a new game engine

That is just like theirs

But we’ll change the name

so you don’t split hairs
The graphics might be different but it’s still all the same to me

We’re gonna trade their stocks for fortunes in games

And we couldn’t give a toss if you call us names

[CHORUS]
‘Cause we all just wanna buy up Rockstar

Sit in penthouse offices smokin’ cigars

The games come cheap and the coders come free

We’ll own every goddamned devco far as you can see

And we’ll hang out on the E3 floor

And we’ll own every booth cos there’s no indies anymore

In the VIP press lounge where the liggers are cheap

We’ll buy every perfect ten score and you won’t sleep

Hey, ey we’re gonna own Rockstar.

Hey, ey we’re gonna own that Rockstar.

Y’see that Grand Theft Auto’s just got us beat

Cos we know we can’t make a game that’s just as neat

If you can’t beat ‘em buy ‘em, sounds pretty good to me

And then once we gott’em we’ll make endless sequels

and prequels and Wiiquels and PS3quels

Pretty soon you’ll be able to get GTA briefs

(So how you gonna do it?)

We’re gonna trade their shares for fortunes in games

We’re gonna cut their budget

So they get a shit name

‘Cause we all just wanna buy up Rockstar
Cos the fuckers won’t come easy, they won’t get far
We got Bullfrog and Maxis and we buggered Westwood
Ain’t nobody in the business that won’t be in our hood

And once we’ve got all the software houses

we’ll buy up Nintendo and make ‘em wear blouses

Then we’ll cripple Microsoft, and kick Sony in the balls

Even Infogrames ain’t safe cos we really hate those Gauls

Every shitbox devco’s gonna wind up here
Every tinpot outfit and all their gear
When we’ve finally got ‘em all we can just rest easy

And we do not give a toss if it makes you queasy

Hey hey we’re gonna buy up Rockstar

Yay hey, we’re gonna pulverise Rockstar

(and we’ll hire Uwe Boll to make the GTA Movie too, you fags!)