Sony skips a generation, goes straight to the PS5

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Sony has hit back at Microsoft’s recent Durango revelations with a broadside of its own. Releasing some firm details about their next-generation console offering.

Only, it’s the next next generation.

Steve Sony, SEO of Sony Inc has shot his juice cannons firmly at Steve Ballmer with a list of details about the PS5.

“Why go for four when you can skip straight to five, am I right”?

The list – considered to be fact by most websites and games journalists (especially those fucknutted idiots at MCV) looks pretty spectacular.

1) Revolutionary controller with built-in fleshlight “to bring gamers closer to a satisfying climax while playing”

2) New proprietary disk format taking maximum storage capacity of the optical drive to 1.6Tb. Disks will be made of pure adamantium and will cost between £60-100,000 per unit to manufacture. “We believe people won’t mind robbing banks or working extra shifts as cheap escorts to be able to afford their weekly gaming fix” says Steve.

3) Backward compatibility with every console ever produced, stretching back to the stone age. Yes, even the Acetronic MPU 1000.

4) Impressive set of launch titles including tried and tested Sony mainstays like Crash Bandicunt, Spyro the Bastard, Racist Racoon and everyone’s favourite sheep, Dipshit (what, you never played the original Dipshit games on PS1? What country were you living in, bucko?)

5) Customisable front plates in a wide variety of colours. Puce, Liver, Vermicelli Vomit, Fish Guts.

6) Full three way sexability with Vita and PS3 including Dirty Sanchez support

Sony is bullish that its console will outperform, outsex, and just plain out anything Microsoft or Nintendo can offer. A new ad campaign, developed by Chris Cunningham, will feature an obscure image of a nun flagellating small lizards with a puncture repair kit to some trip-hop before the new campaign slogan “Sony – Take it in the FACE!” flashes up in all its liquid glory.

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